


How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones (and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)

by Eowima



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: And then he comes back, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a dork, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spideychelle, almost everyone else - Freeform, and everyone else too - Freeform, and his crush on MJ at the same time, dealing with Tony's death, he finally notices MJ because duh, it's all fun and good until the Snap, poor Peter's got a lot on his plate, so what know?, what is he gonna do about it?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22899508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eowima/pseuds/Eowima
Summary: The realization came crashing in this morning in Chemistry, when he met her eyes from across the classroom while waiting for a new set of tests tubes. He’s been meeting her gaze more and more often since the beginning of their junior year. And for some reason, every time it happens, it’s now doing something weird to his heart.The exact same feeling he gets when he jumps off of a building and waits for the last second to web himself up again.How dumb does he have to be to get a crush on Michelle freaking Jones?
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker
Comments: 85
Kudos: 177





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> This takes place in between Homecoming and Infinity War. This is a stand-alone fic BUT I strongly advise you read my other fic (nudgenudgewinkwink) about how MJ got to the point where she was 67% sure Peter was Spider-man, because I'm basically writing Peter's POV of what happened in there.  
> Anyhoo, hope you enjoy this!

How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones 

(and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)

Peter Parker realizes it one day, out of nowhere.

It’s not easy to pinpoint when exactly it all started, but thinking back, he would probably bet on his 16th birthday back in August. He had been celebrating it with Ned at that little cafe they both like so much because they make delicious Star Wars themed sugar cookies. They were talking about the latest upgrade he had managed to get Tony to agree on installing in his suit, when MJ had stumbled upon them with her brown curls hiding half of her face and her hands clamped on the straps of her backpack.

It’s the fact that months later he still remembers exactly what she looked like that leads him to believe this specific moment was the starting point of it all.

It’s dumb, but he’s a sixteen year-old boy, and even though he still feels bad about it because May’s lessons on sexism are clear and fresh and hold an important place in his mind, seeing Michelle Jones in a tank top and _very short_ shorts had made him all stupid and fuzzy inside. He hadn’t seen her in a while, it being summer and all. It was also very hot that day, _obviously_ , like pretty much every 10th of August since the beginning of times anyway. It made sense that she had dressed like that, it absolutely did. He usually didn’t pay much attention to how people dress back at school, not since Liz anyway.

But that summer outfit MJ had been wearing on this particular day had stuck to his mind as efficiently as the first version of web fluid he had designed back in Freshman had stuck to his then favorite sweatshirt – he had been _so_ sad to throw his Millennium Falcon hoodie away back then, and to be honest, it still hurts to think about it.

That’s not really the point though.

The point is, he still remembers perfectly, even now, how frantic he had been when MJ had appeared next to their little table. She had smirked at them, and at that time all he could think was _wow that’s a lot of_ _skin_ , and then that she had probably heard him talk about his suit, which could have beenquite problematic. He had told her they were just talking about Halloween to cover it up, and she had raised an inquisitive eyebrow at that, clearly not believing him at all. The suspicious – and somehow disappointed as well – look she had given him right before turning heels and leaving had made his heart sadly flop in his chest.

She hadn’t given him the chance to mop for long though, because right before stepping out of the coffee shop she had stopped in her tracks, then walked back to Ned and him with a very stern expression plastered on her face. She had stopped in front of Peter, her brown eyes glaring into his own, which had made him squirm uneasily in his seat.

“Happy birthday, dork,” she had deadpanned, and Peter had looked at her in surprise and in awe. He hadn’t been expecting that at all, and it had taken him a moment before he had profusely thanked her, feeling his cheeks redden uncomfortably in the process. She had dismissed his thanks with a shrug like it was nothing, then had left without another word.

Peter had watched her walk away, still in awe, before realizing what he was doing and diving right back into his smoothie and Chewbacca cookie, cheeks burning, refusing to comment on any of what had happened even when Ned had tried to make him.

Yeah, that was definitely at that very moment it had started, although he hadn’t realized it back then.

Now he does though. The realization came crashing in this morning in Chemistry, when he met her eyes from across the classroom while waiting for a new set of tests tubes. He’s been meeting her gaze more and more often since the beginning of their junior year. And for some reason, every time it happens, it’s now doing something weird to his heart.

The exact same feeling he gets when he jumps off of a building and waits for the last second to web himself up again.

And he pretty much knows what this means, even though he really did _not_ expect that at all. With Liz it was different. He noticed her immediately, on the first day of Decathlon practice back in Freshman, falling for her all at once. And there’s been no one else since her, too. Well, there was that girl who tried to ask him out last year, but he’d realized it too late and she had moved on – fairly quickly if you ask him, but she was probably just trying to be nice since he had saved her a couple of weeks prior from being run over by a school bus. He still feels pretty dumb about the whole thing. At the time, MJ had made fun of him. He hadn’t paid much attention to it, because that was what MJ did.

But now…

Now here he is, all clumsy and dorky whenever she’s around, which obviously seems to perfectly fuel her endless teasing wit.

How dumb does he have to be to get a crush on Michelle freaking Jones?

At first he tries to ignore it. Then when he can’t anymore, he tries to explain it scientifically. Maybe he just has a rare genetic heart condition that prompts his heart to do back flips whenever he meets a pretty girl’s eyes. He looks it up online but doesn’t really find anything, _obviously_. He himself thinks that explanation is dumb. He doesn’t even share it with Ned, which is to say. It doesn’t add up anyway, because it only happens when he meets _MJ_ ’s eyes in particular. Not that there are many pretty girls looking at him anyways. Man, he knows exactly what she would say if she could hear him.

“ _Stop looking for excuses Parker, you’re just a dork that’s all!”_

In any case, it’s definitely been happening more and more often, and he doesn’t know if she’s the one looking at him or if it’s just a coincidence every time. He meets her brown eyes across the crowded hallways in between classes, at lunch, during Decathlon practice too, all day at school really. As soon as their eyes meet they both look away quickly like nothing happened. She doesn’t seem fazed out by it the slightest, sometimes she even flips him off in that very classy MJ way she has to greet most people. It seems way more nerve wracking and awkward for him. Especially now that his heart is doing this weird thing every time. Multiple times a day, really.

This has never really happened to him before.

After a while, he decides to talk to Ned about it. One night, while they’re building his Lego Death Star for the hundredth time it seems, he takes the leap. “So what do you think about MJ?”

Ned immediately looks up with a suspicious frown. “What? Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“What? No!” Peter exclaims with a nervous laugh. “No it’s nothing it’s just, I’ve been, I don’t know… I caught her looking at me a couple of times these past few weeks and –”

“Really?” Ned cuts him, raising an eyebrow at him then looking back to his Lego pieces, clearly not believing him. “It doesn’t seem very likely you know. I mean, she’s MJ, she hates people and she reads books, that’s pretty much it as far as I know. Why would she be looking at you anyway?” Peter doesn’t answer for a moment and Ned finally sighs. “Dude, you sure you’re not the one looking at her in the first place? You pulling another Liz on me man?”

“Of course not!” comes Peter’s offended reply. “Absolutely not, why would you even say that.” Ned gives him a ‘you kidding me’ look with a tiny laugh and Peter feels his cheeks grow red a little. “Whatever.”

And he doesn’t talk about it again, at least for a while. He is still meeting her gaze every now and then though, and he grows more and more restless each time it happens. He tries to stop this irrational crush before it becomes more, but he can’t help himself and starts picking up on small things he had never noticed before.

The closed lip smile she makes whenever Mr Harrington says something particularly embarrassing in Decathlon practice. The focused and yet detached expression she has whenever she draws, how she draws on the inside of her arms when she doesn’t have anything else to use. How she always has her hair up in a bun everyday except on Friday afternoons. How passionate she gets whenever they go off track at practice, how she rolls her eyes when Flash says something especially dumb. The way she goes through multiple books a week, the pleased look she gave him that one time when he actually recognized one of the books she was reading at lunch and told her he’d read it too.

His heart had bungee-jumped in his chest when it had happened. Part of him had wanted to recreate that look in her brown eyes, because it had been so genuine and heart-felt it had successfully knock all the air out of his lungs. Sadly though, he was an absolute dork, and all his subsequent attempts had failed, earning himself raised eyebrows at best, and dismissive snorts at worst.

They aren’t close, at all, and he really wants to change that, but he has no idea how. To be fair though, he has no idea how to act around girls, the only time he managed to ask one out being that time he had almost accidentally got Liz to come to Homecoming with him. And it hadn’t ended well, at all. To be honest, Peter still has nightmares about it, which sucks.

Can you get PTSD from fighting your ex-girlfriend’s dad and sending him to prison? It would make sense. He’s not entirely sure that’s what holds him back from asking MJ out though. Well, at least not _just_ that. The thing is, he’s intimidated. She’s just so _cool_ , he thinks. Not in the head of cheerleaders / senior / captain of the Decathlon team kind of way, like Liz was, more like in her just being _her_. Passionate about social causes, bookworm, sassy smartass yet introvert. Her quips make him laugh, her wit denotes a caring person even though she tries to hide it behind her eternally bored expression. Her poker face is so good he has no idea whether she hates him or likes him, or doesn’t care at all about him. Probably the latter. And he’s not confident enough to try and ask her out without being sure first she doesn’t actually hate him.

Most of the times he’s pretty sure she has no opinion of him at all, like he’s just another random classmate and that’s it. Other times, not so much. Like that time she yelled at him for accidentally spilling out about Betty’s surprise birthday party back in November. That had been scary. And he’s dealt with scary before, fighting off heavily armed bad guys and everything, but angry Michelle Jones was on a whole new level of scary.

But then again, there are some times where he catches something in her eyes that might possibly translate at least _some_ interest in him too. Like when she wished him his birthday back in August – she knew his birthday date, that meant something right? Or the satisfied look in her face that time she’d made him blush – he had helped out firefighters the night before as Spidey, had had a hard time getting rid of the burning smell before school, which she had noticed and had called him out for smelling like the Human Torch’s underwear. He had panicked and blushed harder than ever, catching a look he’d never seen from her before, like maybe she thought it was _cute_? He wasn’t sure about that last part, she was just so hard to read.

And yet, more recently, Peter had been the one to make _her_ blush. Unintentionally, obviously, but still. He had run late to his PE class – thanks to some extracurricular Spidey activities during lunch break – and had changed into his shorts and t-shirt behind the bleachers outside of the football field, in a spot he’d thought would hide him well – he had a sense for these things, usually. He still has no idea what she was doing there, but she had run into him right as he was taking his shirt off, which would have been mortifying on his side if he hadn’t been so surprised at her reaction. She had opened her mouth in shock, cheeks reddening instantly as she – Peter was pretty sure of it – _checked him out_.

Then she had stammered something about a lost ball and had scrambled out of sight, but not before Peter had picked up on her suddenincreased heartbeat – enhanced senses for the win. And maybe she’d been running before and it made sense, or maybe, just maybe, it had to do with seeing him shirtless. He wasn’t sure what to do with that kind of knowledge, to be fair. It had made him all jumpy and restless for some reason.She hadignored him for the rest of the class, but he had caught up on her right at the end to say he was sorry. She hadn’t looked him in the eye when she’d told him that she was scarred for life, and he had heard it again: her heartbeat slightly picking up.

This new information had monopolized his thoughts for an entire evening after that – distracting him so entirely he had almost been knocked out by a signboard at some point during that night’s Spidey patrol.

Roughly a week after that, she had spent an entire day throwing things at him, for seemingly no reason at all, which had confused him a great deal to be honest. Thank Thor for his quick reflexes that had helped him catch everything – he was especially glad he had caught that test tube in Chemistry class, because if he hadn’t they would have probably ended up in detention. He still has no idea what this was about, but somehow he feels like in the past couple of months, the dynamic of their – still very scarce – interactions has changed. Not enough for him to finally take the leap and ask her out, but still.

Up until that day mid-April. It’s a Wednesday, nothing’s special about it as far as he knows, except for the fact that she acts super weird all day, sneaking up on him to seemingly try and _scare him_. At least that’s what Peter concludes after she’s jumped from behind a door in front of him for the second time that day. He heard her coming, obviously, there’s not much that can surprise him since the bite to be honest, so he doesn’t react and just looks at her in awe, wondering what that’s all about. He sees it clearly though, her disappointment, so when she sneaks up on him again, he fakes it. He fakes being scared, even though he hears her coming every time, even though he has no idea what she’s trying to accomplish, hoping she’ll get what she wants.

He doesn’t even think much about how weird it is. Maybe today is National scare-someone day, who knows – although, that one might be Halloween? He has no idea. In any case, he really just likes the fact that she’s trying to get something out of him, even if he doesn’t know what it is exactly. After the third time faking it though, she just lets out a very irritated sigh and storms off without a word. She even calls off Decathlon practice that afternoon, which is definitely weird, so Peter gathers up his courage and catches up to her right as she is about to go home.

“MJ, wait up!”

She barely turns to look at him and that’s when he sees her slightly puffy eyes, and he feels his heart drop in his chest at this sight. “Practice is canceled, I’ll see you tomorrow Parker,” she tells him sharply, pointedly ignoring his attempt to meet her gaze.

“Ned told me,” he nods, noticing how she tries to walk faster, but easily keeping up with her pace. “I just uh, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay?”

MJ stops in her tracks and turns to him, frowning. He stops too, a little scared that she’s about to yell at him for some reason. But then her gaze softens and she offers him a sad smile. “I’m fine, Peter. Don’t sweat it.” Before he can say anything, she walks away, looking back at him once before disappearing in the flow of people heading out. And he stays here, in the middle of the hallway, heart pounding in his chest because she _called him Peter_. She never calls him Peter. It’s always Parker, or dork, or loser.

She called him Peter. It probably shouldn’t make him feel this happy, but it does.

Maybe there _is_ something here.

* * *

“Alright, so walk us through your plan,” May says calmly, leaning on the edge of his desk.

“Okay, um, well, on Thursday there’s that field trip to the MoMa I told you about? She’s going too, so um, I thought I could uh, I don’t know, try and ask her if she’d like to go out with me someday?”

“And? That’s it?” Ned interrupts, raising an eyebrow at him. “Dude, it’s _MJ_ you’re trying to ask out, not some random normal girl. You gotta add some unsolved murder theory or at least some unheard opinion about that latest protest she’s been too.”

“Not helping, Ned,” Peter sighs, fiddling with his pencil.

“She sounds like an interesting young woman,” his aunt points out, and Peter slams his head on his desk with a groan. This is a disaster. He hears May’s light chuckle at his reaction, and she pats him on the shoulder a couple of time before concluding: “Well, don’t think too much about it okay? Trust your instinct and you’ll be fine. You got this, Pete.”

“Thanks, May,” he mumbles, not looking up just yet as he hears her walking towards the door of his room.

“She’s a lucky girl,” May adds cheekily just as she closes the door, and Peter groans again. Maybe he shouldn’t have told her about any of this. He really doesn’t want to mess it all up, because something tells him that there’s at least a slight chance MJ might say yes if he does this properly, but he also knows that his nerves could make him so dumb she could also hate him thoroughly by the end of the day too. Which would suck. He really wants her to like him. He kinda likes her. A lot. Maybe too much, but that’s not the point here.

“I think I’d rather fight the Vulture all over again than do this,” he tells Ned after a while, and his friend snorts. Getting this out of his chest might help, he thinks, so he keeps going, finally looking up and turning his chair towards Ned who’s sitting on his bed. “This is just mortifying really. She’s gonna say no, isn’t she?”

“Dude, you’re an Avenger, how can she say no to that?” Ned says absentmindedly, and Peter frowns.

“I told you, I’m not gonna use Spider-man to get her to date me, that’s not right.”

“I know, I know.”

“Besides, it’s MJ we’re talking about. I’m pretty sure if she knew she _would_ say no. Remember how mad she got when Flash tried to minimize what happened in Sokovia?”

“Ouch, yeah, she almost made him cry,” Ned winces at the thought, before sighing again. “Man, why did you have to go and get a crush on Michelle Jones?”

“I know, it’s super dumb,” Peter whines, desperate. “Maybe I should just, ignore it completely.”

He must admit, he did not expect Ned’s reaction at that at all. “NO. WAY.” his friend snaps at him, frowning deeply. “I’m sorry dude, I love you but you are _so annoying_ when you have a crush on someone, I can’t take this anymore!”

Peter stares at him, shocked. “What? Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

“Well I am saying something now, Pete,” Ned retorts. “If you don’t ask her out for yourself, then do it for me. Or I’m gonna go and talk to her myself, and bear in mind, she pretty much terrifies me, so _that_ ’s how desperate you make me, alright?”

“Alright alright, sorry.”

“Want to rehearse one more time?”

Peter hesitates a moment, thinking back to what Ned just said, but his friend is pointedly looking at him, waiting, and he gives up. “That’d be great yeah, thank you Ned. You’re the best bro anyone could ever dream of.”

“Dude, I know. You’re not so bad yourself. Well, at least when you don’t have a crush on anyone.”

Peter snorts at that, and they spend another hour going over what he has to say and all the possible ways it could go sideways. When Ned has to go home, Peter knows his lines by heart. Hopefully MJ sticks to the script they made for her with what they thought she would probably say – Ned got pretty intense about getting in character, which was fun, but a little disturbing too at first. Peter knows it will probably not happen like he plans at all, obviously, because she’s MJ, she’s always throwing him off tracks and he must admit he likes that about her. But he’s thinking, rehearsing things with his best friend actually helped a little. He feels more comfortable now than he had a couple of days ago when he decided it was time.

He’s gonna ask out the girl he likes at a field-trip to the MoMa. He’s gonna do it, and hopefully she’s gonna say yes.

What could go wrong anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could go wrong indeed? Poor Peter, if only he knew LOL (you know, donut spaceship flying over Greenwich, going to space, fighting Thanos, getting snapped, e tutti quanti)
> 
> I don't intend on covering everything that happens in Infinity War, Endgame and Far From Home (the first two because WOW TOO MUCH WORK, and the third one because I did it for MJ already in 67% sure, although I'll probably do some of their scenes together because I love these two idiots) but I'll definitely write about the eight months in between the end of Endgame and the beginning of Far From Home, so there you go! 
> 
> Any feedback is deeply appreciated, and if you wanna talk / be friends / give me prompts or whatever, I'm also on Tumblr under the same username :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s only when they sit down at their usual spot in the cafeteria that he realizes he’s been unconsciously looking for someone this entire time.   
> He hasn’t seen her. Anywhere. He doesn’t let himself think about what this could mean. He shields himself away from any more painful thoughts. He focuses on his French fries diligently. Ned is quiet across from him, and he wonders what he’s thinking about. But then he hears it. He has no idea when exactly he memorized the sound of her steps. Maybe it’s something else entirely he’s picking up, he’s not sure. Maybe his Spidey sense is coming back – it’s been gone since everything happened. Maybe he’s been so focused on finding her without even realizing it that his body is reacting to her presence before his mind can even register her.  
> He can’t help himself and finds it absolutely fascinating. It lights up something in his mind, something he hasn’t felt at all in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> I originally intended to publish this on Thursday but I have apparently no restraint, because I just finished this and I cannot wait to post it, therefor here you go!  
> A little warning, we're in the post Blip / post Tony's death and everything, so at the beginning Peter is not the happy little Pete we usually see, so yeah, that's sad.  
> Hope you like it!

Everything hurts. Physically and mentally.

He took quite a few hits. The Iron Spider suit absorbed some of the pain. More than his old suit would have, at least. He’s trying to focus on the tangible side of the pain he’s been feeling ever since it all happened. His fractured collarbone. His bruised ribs. The contusions on his cheekbones, the swelling above his left ear that hurts every time he tries to lie down.

Anything to get away from the _real_ pain.

It’s everywhere. _He_ ’s everywhere. Peter feels like he’s been permanently gasping for air since that moment. Like his heart is being crushed, trampled on, torn to pieces, on and on and on. It hurts so much. He’s no stranger to grief. He’s lived through this before. His parents. Ben. Now Tony.

This is unfair. It hurts. So much.

He has to keep going though. Because there’s May. She’s still here. And there’s Ned, too. They both were gone, they came back. Just like him. They’re the same, they’re counting on him. But he’s not the same. He’s never gonna be the same anymore, not after everything that happened. How could he?

They want him to talk to someone. May, Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, everyone. He’s seen the words on their lips enough. Heard them when they thought he couldn’t hear – but he can, he hears so much, they have no idea. He’s heard these words, they should be scary, they should shake him up he thinks, but they don’t.

_Post Traumatic Stress Disorder._

It makes sense. He knows they’re right. He’s not in denial _per se_ , or maybe he is. It’s hard to keep track of everything he’s feeling these days. He hasn’t picked up the suit – neither of them – since it happened. He knows that’s worrying them. But he can’t. He’s tried. It brings too much back. The input of feelings and images comes pouring in his head, and it’s too much. His eyes hurt so much, he’s shaking so much, he’s feeling so much.

He hates it. He knows it scares them, worries them, but he hides. He crouches on the darkest corner of ceiling he can find and he stays there for hours. He knows they’re talking about him, he knows they’re all dealing with their own grief as well, he knows he’s only adding to their sadness by behaving like this, but it’s too much. He needs time. He hopes they understand.

He’s met Morgan. It was like a punch in the gut. It shook him out of his apathy for a moment, seeing this little girl who had meant so much. He talked to her. He made her smile. It felt nice. She kind of reminds him of himself. He too at her age had already been through things. He tries not to think about the other person she reminds him of.

May is the one that gives him the news, a couple of days after the funeral. It feels weird. Ten days ago the world almost ended – in some ways it did end, he thinks. Now they’re calling everyone back to school. He doesn’t think much about it. Only that he’s gonna see Ned again. He knows that’s a good step forward. Trying to go back to normal – although he knows that things will never feel quite normal again. He’s been texting with Ned a lot. It’s easier to write things than say them out loud. He’s shielding most of what he’s truly feeling though, because he doesn’t want to scare his best friend.

It’s weird, stepping into Midtown that day. He’s still uncomfortable because of his injuries – they are taking a long time to heal, he suspects he knows the reason why and doesn’t dwell much on it. It makes sense. _Everything_ makes sense, but it’s not making things easier at all.

Everyone around seems in a haze, or maybe that’s just him. A hard lump is slowly forming in his throat as he wonders if it was a good idea for him to come back so soon or not. Someone closes a locker door behind him, making him flinch, and all of a sudden his senses are dilated to a hundred and he starts picking up _everything_ around him.

His heart is going crazy in his chest, so he takes a deep breath, focusing on his steps to calm down. He knows how to deal with his enhanced senses. He knows how to damp them down. He’s grown a lot, he’s not the scared boy he was when he got bitten, who needed dark goggles to go out and hid in his closet for hours when he came back from school because he felt like his head was about to implode because of _everything_. He can do this.

Then he sees Ned. His heart drops in his chest when he meets his best friend’s lost eyes. He walks to him, and feels a huge chunk of relief crashing through him like a wave. Ned is here. He knew he’d be there, he expected it, but still. They do their handshake, the one they invented ages ago when they first became best friends, and then Peter hugs him, barely holding in his tears, and Ned hugs him back. Everything around him seems to finally quiet down and he lets out a shaky sigh of relief.

He has no clear recollection of what happens exactly this morning. He follows Ned and lets him be in charge. He’s too worn out to do much in any case. It’s only when they sit down at their usual spot in the cafeteria that he realizes he’s been unconsciously looking for someone this entire time.

He hasn’t seen her. Anywhere. He doesn’t let himself think about what this could mean. He shields himself away from any more painful thoughts. He focuses on his French fries diligently. Ned is quiet across from him, and he wonders what he’s thinking about. But then he hears it. He has no idea when exactly he memorized the sound of her steps. Maybe it’s something else entirely he’s picking up, he’s not sure. Maybe his Spidey sense is coming back – it’s been gone since everything happened. Maybe he’s been so focused on finding her without even realizing it that his body is reacting to her presence before his mind can even register her.

He can’t help himself and finds it absolutely fascinating. It lights up something in his mind, something he hasn’t felt at all in a long time. He feels her walk behind him, her elbow barely brushing against his shoulder, and it sends tickles down his spine. Her voice is casual and sharp, and his heart skips a beat.

“What’s up, dorks?”

He can feel it, the beginning of a smile on his lips, and it feels weird and unfamiliar, like he’s rusty or something. He watches as MJ takes a couple of steps, then sets her tray on the table, only leaving one free chair between her and him. She never does that. She always sits as far away as possible, barely acknowledging them, flipping them off if they try to talk to her.

She looks good. There’s something in her eyes that wasn’t there the last time he saw her, and it makes him wonder what _she_ ’s been through these past few weeks. He’s deeply relieved though. She blipped too. He feels a little selfish about this, but then it doesn’t matter anymore because she smiles. She usually doesn’t smile much, and it’s okay, but the smile she’s giving him at that very moment, there is so much in it that he thinks his heart might explode.

It starts with her lips, shy and hesitant, then it goes all the way up to her eyes, lighting them up in a way he’s never seen before. He feels his smile spread on his own lips as they look at each other, and for the first time in forever, he doesn’t have the impression he could burst out in tears any second. For the first time since Tony died, he can pinpoint exactly what he’s feeling at this very instant – relief, comfort, and a tiny bit of shyness too. The stability and clarity of those emotions make his heart swell in his chest. He’s not lost. At least not entirely, and definitely not forever.

They’ve been staring at each other for just a bit too long now, he suddenly realizes. He feels his cheeks redden and he looks away, and notices she does too, at the same time. He sees her smile at Ned from the corner of his eyes, then focus on her food. They stay silent, but it feels nice. Peter wonders if she’s wondering why Ned and him aren’t talking like they normally do. Not that this is in any way a normal day. He wonders what she’s thinking about. He remembers how he’d been wanting to ask her out. It seems so long ago it doesn’t even feel real anymore. Like it was another Peter’s life. Which it was. He’s never going to be the same Peter that wanted to ask Michelle Jones out during a museum field-trip. He’s pretty sure he’s made his peace with that fact, now.

Peter is a little more alert during the afternoon – to Ned’s relief, even though his friend tries to hide it. He knows he’s been worrying about him. May and Happy, too. He gets it. It’s been ten days, and today he smiled for the first time. Seeing Ned helped considerably. Seeing MJ too. They end up talking at the end of the day, he and her. He meets her eyes when he’s at his locker and attempts to smile at her, only to get her classic ‘bitch please’ face in response, which makes him chuckle despite himself. Funny how some things never change.

She starts walking away, and something pushes him to catch up to her and walk beside her out of the building. He’s trying to find something to say but she beats him to it as they go down the stairs. “So, what are you up to this weekend?” she asks casually, and he rambles for a little while about moving into their new apartment with May. He doesn’t say Pepper Potts insisted on helping them find one despite having to deal with SI, Morgan, and her own grief. He doesn’t say they still have to buy pretty much everything because they lost everything after the Snap. He doesn’t say May is insisting on sleeping on the couch and leaving him the only bed there is in the apartment, despite the fact that he hasn’t slept for more than an hour and a half at once since everything.

They’re not walking anymore, just standing at the bottom of the stairs, facing each other on the sidewalk, and Peter suddenly feels really self-conscious – and dumb – so he ends his ramble a little abruptly. “What about you?”

He watches as she unconsciously bite her lower lip, looking down at her feet a second before saying: “We had to find someplace else to live too. My dad and I.”

“What about your mom?” Peter asks without thinking, and curses himself when he sees something shift in her brown eyes. She vaguely shrugs at that, avoiding his gaze so he doesn’t insist. She looks up after a moment, and for some reason meeting her eyes has his heart skip a beat. They stare at each other for a couple of seconds then both look down at their feet at the same time, and Peter has no idea what is actually going on.

“Anyway, I’ll see you on Monday then,” she tells him quietly, and he can’t help his smile.

“Right, yes, bye MJ.”

“Bye Peter.” His heart jolts as he turns around and walks away. It takes him back to that moment ages ago when she had called him Peter and he had thought that maybe, just maybe, she liked him a little. He likes it, hearing her say his name. This realization makes him a little sheepish, a little confused. He waits at his bus stop for five whole minutes before realizing that taking the bus here would not take him home. He needs to go the other way now. He looks back to where MJ and him were standing, but she’s gone. Of course she is. He wonders if she has any idea what she’s doing to him. He doesn’t even really know himself what it is exactly that she’s doing to him.

He tells his aunt about it when he gets home. He’s grown restless on his way there, because the empty apartment doesn’t feel like home at all, and because he has no idea what he’s heading to. Or maybe because he does. A quiet night at home with May looking sideways at him every now and then because she’s worried. Ordering take-out and pretending to be super hungry like he always was before, despite the fact that actually eating makes him want to puke. May telling him she’s not that tired and that she wants to hang out with him after dinner. Watching some TV with her, texting Ned about some random stuff, trying to ignore the knot slowly forming in his belly.

When she’ll eventually fall asleep, Peter knows what will be awaiting him. Tossing and turning in bed, on the ceiling, _anywhere_ , trying to get some rest. Considering downing an entire tablet of sleeping pills even though he knows by now they have no effect on him. Finally his body will give up, and it will start.

_The nightmares_.

He doesn’t even remember what they are when he wakes up, drenched in sweat, clenching to his sheets, heart racing in his chest and eyes burning. Sometimes he screams, and it wakes May up, and she’s holding him in seconds, whispering calming things in his ear until he cries himself back to sleep – for a limited amount of time again, always. Sometimes he doesn’t make a sound, and when he wakes up he can’t move, can barely breathe, and he just stays there on his back, eyes wide open, insides churning, tears running down his eyes and into his ears.

“Maybe you could ask her out?” May suggests at some point, and Peter looks up from his half eaten slice of pizza with a frown. “Wasn’t that like, your plan?” she continues carefully, and he avoids her gaze, feeling her eyes studying his face, “you know, before everything.”

Peter shrugs uneasily, hiding the slight panic her words are stirring in him. “Yeah May I, I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m–” _brave enough._ “I don’t think I’m–” _good enough._ “I don’t know May,” he sighs eventually, trying to swallow the lump in his throat and failing, “It kind of feels inappropriate or something I…”

“That’s alright,” she assures him with a kind smile when he doesn’t end his sentence, “You don’t have to do anything Pete, it’s your choice.” She reaches out and grabs his hand, and he just nods. Then he pretends to check his phone for a message from Ned, to hide the fact that everything about this conversation feels wrong. He doesn’t even understand why. He knows May is just trying to help, but it just doesn’t seem real, or possible. He feels like an outsider in his own life, and he is not even sure _why_.

The weekend is almost as hard as he thought it would be. He doesn’t get a single minute of sleep between Friday and Sunday. The good side of it is that he’s so tired by the end of Sunday he collapses in his bed at 9 and doesn’t wake up until 2 am. It takes him another couple of hours to manage to calm down from his nightmare and go back to sleep. And then, for the first time in ages, he wakes up to the sound of his alarm clock.

To be honest, Peter would never have thought he’d be glad about _that_ one day.

A half-hour later he meets Ned downstairs and they walk together to school. Everything goes well up until lunch time. A girl comes by their table and says something about a ceremony for the fallen heroes of Earth, and it sends Peter spiraling in seconds. He did not expect it. It made it hurt even more. He doesn’t even consciously make the decision to stand up and walk away. He feels like he’s floating, like the world is about to collapse under his feet and he can’t do anything about it.

He’s on autopilot and doesn’t register much of what’s around him, just the fact that there’s no one in the restroom he makes his way into.He’s lost in a haze again. He can feel Ned’s presence behind him as he grips the sides of the sink, trembling. A small part of him reminds him not to squeeze too much because it would break it. He tries to focus on that thought, on his hands, on the strength he’s barely repressing, on the cold of the ceramic against his palms and fingers. He can’t prevent the tears from rolling down his cheeks. He knows that much, and takes advantage of it. Focuses on what they feel like on his skin, the trails of wetness they leave behind them, the familiar burning sensation behind his eyes.

Anything to avoid _thinking_.

“I’m here buddy,” Ned tells him in a whisper, “you’re not alone in this.”

Peter lets out a shaky sigh and a nod. Ned is right. He slowly takes his gripping hands off the sides of the sink and turns to his best friend. It’s a comforting thought, he thinks as Ned hugs him almost fiercely. _He’s not alone_. It doesn’t make the pain in his heart any less unbearable, but it still does _something_.

When he starts hearing people on the other side of the door saying it’s almost time to get to class, he breaks off the hug and attempts to smile at Ned. He can feel his best friend’s sadness and he hates it. He assures him that he’s fine, thanks him, and Ned lets himself be convinced. They go their separate ways, Ned to his Chemistry class and Peter to his Physics class. He needs to stop by his locker first, so he does, looking at his shoes the entire walk there. He’s very aware of his red eyes. He’s not ashamed, not really, just weary at the thought of having to explain anything if he came to talk to someone.

But no one’s ever payed much attention to him, and for once he is kind of thankful for it. He doesn’t cross path with Flash Thompson either, which is a relief – although he hasn’t talked to him since they all came back. Yet.

He finally makes it to his locker, and he feels absolutely drained. Keeping his thoughts and emotions at bay is exhausting. Peter lets out a shaky sigh, pressing his forehead to the cold metal of his locker. It helps. A little.

At first he doesn’t move when he hears her. He sees her at the edge of his gaze leaning her shoulder on the lockers, hands in the pocket of her black sweatshirt. He can feel her eyes studying him. She’s not too close, nor too far. He knows instantly what she’s doing. She is quiet, leaving him the choice to either ignore her or engage conversation with her. Acknowledge her if he wants, or pretend like he doesn’t see her if he doesn’t.

And he likes it. Michelle Jones is a smartass that isn’t afraid to tell people what she thinks. She’s sharp and ironic and straightforward. But she’s also kind and understanding – even if she apparently tries to hide it. And Peter, he didn’t want to talk to anyone before. He’d been dreading just the thought of it.

And yet after a moment he takes a deep breath and opens his locker, intending it as a ‘go ahead’ sign and knowing she’ll get it. And she does. She shuffles closer to him as he takes a couple of books out of his backpack and puts them in his locker.

“You OK there, Parker?” MJ asks quietly, her gaze fixed on him.

It’s as if her eyes are burning through his skin, and it stresses him out a little. He slams the door of his locker a little too hard and instinctively glances apologetically at her. He sees her slightly raised eyebrows in surprise. He can’t do this, he thinks. He doesn’t turn to her, keeping his eyes on his shoes as he vaguely nods. “Yeah um, yes, I’m fine.”

She doesn’t say anything, and he realizes hiding is stupid. MJ is observant. Peter is pretty sure she knows just from his posture that he’s lying. She doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s not fine. So he turns to her, mimicking her position, hands in pockets and shoulder leaning on the lockers, and meets her eyes. And he was right, she obviously doesn’t believe him. It’s written all over her face, and yet she doesn’t say anything. She looks at him for another couple of seconds then nods too. She leans off the lockers a little awkwardly and starts walking to go around him and get to class.

But then she does something that makes his heart go crazy in his chest and effectively turns his brain into jelly. She stops by his side and presses her shoulder to his for a few seconds, and Peter instantly feels completely overwhelmed – in a good way. He leans into her instinctively, just a little, turning his head to look at her. She’s never been this close to him before, ever. She’s keeping her eyes fixed in front of her, her face as neutral as ever, but she’s so close he can spot the goosebumps slowly raising on the soft skin of her neck. If he moves just a little he could kiss her cheek. He kind of wants to. A lot.

But her voice brings him back to reality, almost painfully, before he can make the conscious decision to do it. “Alright, I’ll see you around then, loser.” She’s raised her voice, and she sounds different somehow, although he can’t quite point out why exactly. She leans off of him and walks away like nothing, and he slowly lets out the breath he’d been holding this entire time. He doesn’t glance back at her, because his cheeks feel a little too hot all of a sudden. He’s not sure he could survive her making fun of him right now.

He’s thankful she woke him out of his daze, because he cannot believe he actually thought about _kissing MJ’s cheek_. True, he did indeed want to ask her out before everything, but it seems so long ago it doesn’t feel real anymore – he gets an impression of déjà-vu at that, he’s pretty sure it’s the only thing he’s been thinking these last few days whenever his stupid brain brushes the MJ subject. He liked her then, and he can’t really deny he still does now, but all this feels so _inappropriate_ for some reason. It must have to do with this recurring feeling of being an outsider in his own life.

This is all just very confusing, really.

He takes a moment to calm down a little, and only heads to class when the first bell rings above him, reminding him he has to be somewhere. He jogs to his Physics class, stopping on the doorstep to scan the room and find a spot. Every seat is taken, except one. He feels his heart jolt in his chest again as he realizes who he’s gonna have to sit next to. He doesn’t have much of a choice. Mr Dell is almost at the door, talking with another student behind him.Peter walks up to the free spot, mouth very dry for some reason.

She’s crossed her arms on the table in front of her, and hidden her face in them. She looks up just as he moves the chair next to her, scanning her surroundings with blinking eyes before looking up at him. He smiles sheepishly under her assessing gaze, then slightly waves his hand to say hi, which earns him a deep roll of eyes that makes him chuckle. “Can I?” he asks with a nod to the empty chair next to her.

She narrows her eyes at him in a very MJ way and deadpans: “No, Parker, sit at Mr Dell’s desk.” Peter looks at her in shock, and she stays serious for a couple of second before a smirk lights up her face, apparently despite herself, and she looks at him in amusement. “Of course you can sit here, dork,” she tells him lightly, and he feels his cheeks grow red for some reason. “There’s no place anywhere else.”

And he knows she saw it, he knows it from the look she gives him as he thanks her and sits down on his chair, bracing himself. She’s seen him blush, and now he’s gonna pay for it. This is mortifying. She’s gonna make fun of him, and he’s gonna die of embarrassment and that will be it for Peter Parker. Can someone die from embarrassment? Asking for a friend. Maybe if he avoids her gaze for the rest of his life it won’t happen? Maybe that’s a plan. He grabs his backpack from the floor and starts taking things out of it, keeping himself apparently very busy even though he can feel her watching his every move. Oh wow he’s stressing out. This is very stupid.

“So, hopefully nothing much is new with physics uh?” she whispers suddenly, and he turns to her in surprise.

He did _not_ see that coming. Fair enough, he doesn’t see much coming these days, but still,he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have even if his Spidey sense had been operational. He stumbles on his words as he agrees like an idiot, and watches in awe as she slightly bites her lower lip, probably to keep herself from making fun of him or something. Why is she nice to him all of a sudden?Is this because she saw him after he had cried? “Wow, I must say I uh, I kinda thought you were gonna make fun of me again,” he tells her without thinking, and she looks at him all serious, making him realize she’d actually been hiding her smile just before.

“Well, what can I say, I’m magnanimous,” she says quietly, still eyeing him with something in her gaze that makes his heart beat way faster than it probably should.

“Right, thanks.”

“Yeah, don’t get used to it though,” she adds with a slight menacing hint to it, and he bites down his own smile at that.

“I won’t,” he nods, just as Mr Dell calls out for their attention and begins the class. They don’t talk much after that, but no matter how hard he tries Peter can’t really focus on what Mr Dell is saying at all and ends up sneaking glances at her the entire time. And he’s terrible at it, because she catches him every single time, and when she does he hastily looks away like an idiot, heart pounding in his chest, pretending to focus on whatever there is in front of him.

He’s lucky though, because even though she definitely notices him glancing at her, she doesn’t say anything about it. She stays quiet, and not once Peter thinks it might be because she’s actually looking at him too. He’s smart, but sometimes not so much. In any case, it doesn’t take much time for Physics to become his new favorite class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super happy from the support I got on the first chapter, already 21 kudos and 17 subscriptions, you guys are awesome! More comments would be great though, I don't know if it's a secret or not, but more comments would definitely motivate me to update faster ;)  
> In any case, thanks to everyone ♥


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey dork, what’s the exercise we’re supposed to do for tomorrow in Physics?”  
> Peter blinks a couple of times, looking up from the Spanish homework he’s been staring at – and not doing – for the last half hour. He’s in the library, because he’s found that working there is actually a lot better than working alone from home – where it still doesn’t feel like home, somehow. MJ is watching him with narrowed eyes, deadly serious, and it somehow feels like these eyes are burning holes in his skin and soothing the tumultuous storm of thoughts in his head at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!   
> First of all, you guys rock. I asked for more comments you certainly delivered, I cannot thank you enough!! Keep up the good work folks ;)  
> Warning for this chapter again, Peter is still dealing with his grief, so there are some sad moments  
> Hope you like it!

“ _You’re alright._ ”

One day Peter wakes up, and that’s all he can think. It’s been over a month and a half now. He’s forced himself not to think too much about anything. It helped, kind of, to avoid it all. But it’s caught up with him now.

“ _You’re alright._ ”

These words emerged from his memory, out of a hazy dream in the middle of the night, stuck to his mind like glue, and now he can’t get rid of them. He hears his voice at any given moment, for no apparent reason, it catches him out of nowhere, in good situations or in bad, making his heart drop and knocking the air out of his lungs.

Tony’s last words to him.

“ _You’re alright._ ”

He has to close his eyes, and then he’s back there, on Titan, and it’s so hard to block the images that come back rushing, and he feels like he’s drowning. He tries not to remember everything, but it can’t be helped. He feels the burning air around him, and the deep twist in his stomach, all of his senses going crazy because he can feel what’s coming. The look in Mr Stark’s eyes as he realizes it too.

“ _You’re alright_.”

The ‘ _kid_ ’ was on his lips, but it never crossed them. Peter fell, and then he was gone. When he woke up, everything got so messy and crazy he never got the chance to hear him say anything else. He was such in shock when he got to see him again that he could not shut up, and now, oh now he hates himself for it.

He regrets it, not listening more. Because when he saw him again, Tony could not speak. There were things in his eyes, Peter tried to read them, but his own eyes were filled with so many tears he could not see straight. And then Rhodey helped him up, and then Pepper took his place, and then it was over.

He knows now. He’s talked to Pepper, he’s been to their home, he’s seen the pictures. “ _I lost the kid_.” Tony Stark cared for him. He knew it then, of course he did. There were so many more things he wanted to hear from him. And now he never will.

“Hey dork, what’s the exercise we’re supposed to do for tomorrow in Physics?”

Peter blinks a couple of times, looking up from the Spanish homework he’s been staring at – and not doing – for the last half hour. He’s in the library, because he’s found that working there is actually a lot better than working alone from home – where it still doesn’t feel like home, somehow. MJ is watching him with narrowed eyes, deadly serious, and it somehow feels like these eyes are burning holes in his skin and soothing the tumultuous storm of thoughts in his head at the same time. Peter takes a second to swallow the hard lump in his throat before focusing on the information she’s asking him. “I think it’s uh, exercise 7 from page 138, you know that one with the baseball player?”

“Right,” she nods, pressing her lips together. She’s been doing that a lot recently – yes, he’s noticed, yes, he might be staring at her lips a little too much, yes, it’s bad – and he wonders why. Sometimes he thinks it might be a way to prevent herself from smiling, because she frequently does it when he says something sweet or helps her out on something – but then, most times he just thinks he’s being dumb because that’s clearly impossible. “You’re such a nerd.”

He tilts his head at that, frowning. “Why, because I remember the homework we were assigned last week?” MJ gives him her ‘ _duh_ ’ look and he can’t help his pout. “Yeah well, you still seem to think it’s pretty convenient apparently, ‘cause you kinda keep asking me about homework, don’t you?” he points out, annoyed at himself for sounding so whiny about it. He actually likes it, even though he kind of feels like her personal agenda or something. They’ve been talking a lot more – pretty much only about physics, true, but still.

He likes it. MJ’s fun to be around. She’s smart and witty, and she messes with him a lot, which helps him focus on anything but the mess inside his brain. It’s nice. She’s also very pretty, yes, he’s said it, and when he meets her eyes his heart takes him back to when his past time was jumping off of buildings, and when she does that thing with her lips somehow he forgets how to normally breathe.

“Never said it was a bad thing,” she retorts with a smirk, and Peter looks at her in confusion, because that’s what she is to him, so _very_ confusing, most of the time anyway. Before he can say anything though, she pats the book in front of him and adds: “Anyway, do you need help with that Spanish homework? Kinda looks like you’re struggling, I might be able to help you out.”

Peter rolls his eyes, ignoring her mocking smirk. She’s messing with him again. She doesn’t take Spanish classes, she takes Italian ones. It’s kind of become their things, competing on getting the highest grades in their shared classes. It’s fun, because they’ve had to restart their junior year even though they had almost completed it before the Snap, and they’ve talked about it a lot together, but just like him, MJ still remembers pretty much everything about their first junior year, so it’s quite easy to make it to the top of the class in every class. They both fight for the first spot, and it’s cool. Keeps his mind busy. Makes May happy and proud, too. That’s always nice.

He’s not as good at the continuous banter between them as she is, he admits it, but he’s getting there. At least he thinks. “Yeah no I’m good, wouldn’t want you to get all confused and start mixing up the languages on your next big test.”

“It was this morning actually,” she counters, and her eyes are shining with amusement, and he thinks he might be getting a heart attack or something because _wow_. “And I aced it.”

“Sure you did,” Peter just says, feigning disinterest although his stupid heart is pounding in his chest for no reason. He absentmindedly turns a page of his Spanish notebook, avoiding her eyes, and hears her snort.

“Want some proof?” she then says, leaning on her forearms on the table, her hands splayed on top of his open notebook, which kind of forces him to look up – despite himself really,because he knows it’s not going to be good for his brain.Peter meets her brown eyes and holds his breath, surprised and thrown off guard by her sudden proximity.

He opens his mouth, pretty sure all he’s gonna be able to say will be absolute nonsense, but luckily for him just then Ned loudly sets down his backpack on the table next to Peter, making them both jump. MJ stands straight, meeting his eyes one last time before turning heels and leaving with a small wave in his direction. “Later, dork!”

Peter hmpfs at that, purposefully avoiding Ned’s gaze and concentrating on his homework once again. His best friend takes his stuff out of his backpack, then sets the bag down on the floor before siting and asking somehow casually and suspiciously at the same time: “What was that all about?”

Peter just shrugs, feeling his cheeks reddening a little. “Physics.”

“Right.” Ned stays silent for a little while, and Peter is so keen on avoiding talking about what he knows his best friend is already suspecting that he actually dives into his homework for real and gets it done in no time. He still needs to do that physics exercise, so that’s what he goes for next, but that’s when Ned decides to take the leap. “Why don’t you, like…”

“What?” Peter sighs, already knowing where he’s heading because it _does_ make sense. May’s told him too, and yet he can’t. Ned’s never talked to him about it, but he knows it’s been on his mind ever since that time he had run in late in the cafeteria and had found MJ and Peter laughing like two idiots because of something Flash had said in their History class. When she’d left to go grab herself another chocolate bar or something, Ned had told Peter it was nice seeing him smile so much around MJ, and that she always smiled the brightest when she was with him, and even though Peter knew he meant it with no ulterior motive whatsoever, it had still made him act all awkward and embarrassed for the rest of the day, which MJ had noticed, and which had made it worse.

He doesn’t want awkward and weird, he wants simple and fun. He’s been through enough complicated shit to seek out for more.It’s always fun and easy, being around MJ, until his stupid feelings get in the way. So he tries to avoid that. As much as possible.

“I don’t know, ask her out?” Ned says hesitantly, smiling somehow nervously at him. Peter just stares blankly at him, channeling his inner MJ – May’s told him he was picking up on it, even though she’s never met her in person, and that it was cute, which pretty much mortified him. “What? Don’t look at me like that bro, she seems to like you.”

“I’m not gonna do that Ned,” Peter sighs again, opening his Physics book and looking for the exercise he’s supposed to do. He’s trying to ignore the pounding of his heart, and the slight panic he gets anytime someone mentions something about asking MJ out. He hates it. He’s not sure why.

“Why not?” Ned asks, and there’s something a little sad in his voice, which makes Peter clench his teeth immediately.

“I’m not, I don’t… I don’t know, alright?” he stammers, a little louder than intended, and the librarian shushes him from the other side of the room. He glances at him apologetically, then meets Ned’s gaze, frowning. “I like her, she’s awesome, but I don’t know Ned it’s… I’m not gonna go and ruin everything –”

“Pete, you’re no gonna _ruin_ everything if you ask her out,” Ned cuts him with a reassuring smile, and Peter knows he means well, because he always does, because Ned is an amazing friend, and always has been, and yet he can’t help the surge of anger his words stir in him somehow.

“Yeah well you don’t know that, okay?” he snaps back in an angry whisper, and then Ned is looking at him all surprised and hurt, and he instantly feels bad for it and hides his face in his hands with a wavering sigh. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Ned it’s just… it’s not really a conversation I want to have right now.”

“That’s alright, I get it.”

“It’s just… I need some time I think, that’s all,” he adds, sniffling a little, pressing his palms on his eyelids to stop the all too familiar burning sensation in his eyes. He doesn’t get ashamed when he cries, he just knows for a fact that sometimes when he starts it kind of gets very hard to stop, and that’s not something he wants to experience right there, in the middle of the library. _Happy thoughts_.

“I get it Peter,” Ned insists, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder and waiting for him to meet his gaze. His best friend’s eyes are filled with understanding and love, and Peter thinks to himself that he’s very lucky. He remembers ages ago, when they used to laugh about his legendary Parker luck that always got him in crappy and/or real bad situations, and how he kept lamenting himself about it, but really, who has the chance to have someone as loyal and amazing as Ned? He definitely is lucky, he thinks.

“So hey, how is your list coming up?” he asks after clearing up his throat, and Ned is all too happy to dive into the categorization he’s made of all the movies they missed during the Blip – the movie industry got almost shut down the first years, but you really can’t keep humans from creating for too long, so they still have a lot of catch up to do. Ned gets pretty excited about it, and Peter follows happily, and then they get shushed by the librarian too many times so they focus on their homework, promising themselves they’ll start their Blip-marathon later during the weekend.

The night is falling when they get out of the library and head home. Ned offers to go home with him, pretending it’s been a while since he’s said hi to May, but Peter politely declines. He’s been kind of avoiding sleepovers since everything, and he knows Ned picked up on it, but he can’t bring himself to justify it out loud. He’s still having way too many nightmares to be comfortable with it, but that’s not something he’s ready to admit, no matter how stupid that is. He knows Ned wouldn’t make fun of him, but he just can’t.

He’s so pissed at himself for all the things he still _cannot_ do – resuming his super-heroic activities being the most frustrating one. He’s tried countless time, but the sight of either of his suits is still way too much overwhelming to even consider it. It brings him back, and he can’t deal with it just yet.

He knows these things take time, he’s very aware of it, he’s lived through this before already. It seems worse this time around though. Grief is a tricky thing. When mixed up with PTSD, it gets all the more confusing. Sometimes he’s so mad it becomes hard not to break anything – which is always easy because of how stupidly strong he is. He feels like he’s holding back 24/7, and at times it becomes unbearable and he snaps – whether it be physically or verbally.

And every times it happens, he hates himself so much for it. Sometimes, he snaps at Ned, or even worse, at May, and when he sees the look in their eyes it crushes his heart so painfully he can barely breathe. He snaps out of it instantly, and apologizes again and again, cursing himself for being so impulsive. May always assures him it’s okay. Tells him he’s allowed to be angry, to feel all the things he’s feeling, to express these feelings in any way he wants. She’s encouraged him to talk, write, draw, anything to not keep those emotions at bay. She’s been so good to him, he thinks. She’s always so good to him. He’s very grateful. It helps. A lot.

“So how was school today?” May asks, looking up from the frozen lasagna she’s currently unwrapping. When she sees what he’s about to do she grabs the oven mitt and throws it at him with a frown. “Socks _off_!” she reminds him with a stern voice and an inquisitive shake of her finger, “You know they leave prints on the walls and ceiling, and then it’s a pain to wash them off.”

“Right right, sorry,” Peter apologizes with a small smile, hurriedly taking his socks off before crawling on the wall then settling beside the lamp. Meeting his aunt’s gaze, he sees she’s trying to hide her own smile, and it makes his heart happily jumps in his chest.

“I should probably make you clean them up next time,” she says in a mumble, probably thinking out loud, opening the oven and tossing the lasagna in it without using the oven mitt. It’s still resting on the floor where he was ten seconds earlier, and Peter thinks to himself if he’d been wearing his web-shooters, he would have used them to grab it and throw it back at her. Thinking that makes his insides do weird things, and he’s very glad his aunt calls him out because he’d rather not think about that too much. “You hear me mister? Next time you forget, you’ll clean it all up.”

“I won’t forget, promise!” He definitely will, but he figures that’s okay, he’ll wash the footprints off before she realizes it. He likes the way his aunt’s smile still lights up the whole world even when he catches it upside down. May really is the best aunt anyone could ask for. She asks him about school again, and he shrugs. “Good I guess, but it’s really too bad that History teacher is so boring. He got mad at Ned when he asked him what were the best movies made during the last five years.”

“Maybe it wasn’t really in line with what he was talking about at that moment,” May suggests, sitting on the couch,and Peter makes a face because she’s probably right.

“Maybe yeah, but still, it was a valid question.”

“And what about _physics_?” May then asks, raising her eyebrows at him, and he can’t help himself and rolls his eyes.

“Nothing much about _physics_ ,” he grumbles, and his aunt lets out a chuckle that has him smile despite himself. “We’ve started a new chapter on momentum, if that’s what you’re asking about.”

“Mmmh, interesting,” May slowly nods, but then she’s frowning and grabbing her neck with a face. “Could you maybe come down and sit with your old aunt? You’re giving me a stiff neck.” He laughs at that and gets off the ceiling with a back flip, and somehow he hears MJ’s voice in his head as he does. _Show off_. He perches himself on the armrest of the couch, smiling at his aunt, wondering if his cheeks really are red or if it’s just an impression. His stupid crush must be getting worse if she can irrupt in his thoughts just like that. He really doesn’t want to deal with this at all.

They talk a little more, May dancing around the MJ subject and Peter intently avoiding it, until a faint burning smell travels to their noses and his aunt realizes she forgot to put the timer on. And then they’re laughing and taking off the burnt patches of lasagna and eating the rest, and it’s _nice_. And it gives Peter hope, somehow. There are still evenings and nights where it’s especially hard, but the more time passes, the more moments like this happen. It warms his heart, truly.

Despite everything though, he never gets away from the nightmares. They’re hunting him down every night, sometimes he remembers them, most times he doesn’t, and that’s what makes them even scarier. For all he knows he might be having the same dream every night. He doesn’t really know how to deal with these. May told him that talking about what he’s been through could help. The thing is, he doesn’t want to do it with her or Ned. He’s too shy to ask Happy, or any of the other heroes that were there that day. He tried writing about it, but he couldn’t.

Up until tonight. Peter doesn’t really know what changed. After dinner, he goes to his room, pulls a sheet of paper off his History notebook, and starts pouring words onto the page. His heart swells into his chest, his eyes fill up and overflow within minutes, but when he’s done, he feels so much lighter it’s almost scary.

_It’s been 44 days since Tony Stark died._

_He’s never gonna open his eyes again. He’s never gonna walk, he’s never gonna talk, he’s never gonna hug me or anyone else ever again. He’s never gonna drink coffee, never gonna show off about his latest invention, never gonna lecture me on some stupid mistake I made. He’s never gonna smile, he’s never gonna shout, he’s never gonna play hide and seek with Morgan again. He’s never gonna kiss her goodnight, he’s never gonna tell me how proud he is, he’s never gonna see anything ever again. He’s never gonna eat May’s ruined lasagna, he’s never gonna make fun of me for having a crush on MJ. He’s never gonna fight side by side with me, he’s never gonna be there when things are rough and when things are great._

_He’s never gonna do all those things, but maybe that’s okay._

_Because I will._

The words are flowing onto the page, all wavering and irregular because his hand is shaking so much. He doesn’t read what he writes. When he thinks he’s done, he crumbles the page in a tight ball of paper and throws it in his trashcan under his desk. Then he puts on his pajamas, wipes his tears away, turns off the light and goes to bed. And when he wakes up, four hours later, it’s not because of another nightmare. He stays still, lying on his back, heart pounding and eyes wide open. But he’s not scared. He remembers every little detail of his dream, and it sends shivers down his spine. He feels awake and very much alive, and his insides are all warm and fuzzy.

It wasn’t a very interesting dream per se, not packed with action or anything,and he’s definitely okay with that. He was just sitting in his living-room in front of the TV. May was there, and he’s pretty sure from what he remembers she’d been baking some cookies. The smell in the air had been so comforting it had brought him back to when he was 6 or 7 and his dad would bake cookies every Saturday afternoon. Ned was there, playing on his computer, a game that definitely looked like _Beast Slayers_ but his character was a fluffy pink unicorn? Peter wasn’t really sure about that last part. Because in his dream, he was also sitting next to MJ, and that had efficiently blown his subconscious away. Nothing much was happening at all really, they were just sitting next to each other on May’s cramped couch. MJ had curled her legs under her, and her knee grazed his thigh every now and then, sending shivers down his spine every time. She was reading, and Peter was looking at her, and at some point she had looked up and met his gaze, and she had smiled.

That’s when he woke up, somehow feeling both disorientated and at peace. Everything had felt so real, and waking up so suddenly for something seemingly so little surprised him a great deal. But the quietness, the peacefulness of the entire scene is what he keeps in mind as he drifts off again, and when his alarm goes off the next morning, for the first time in 44 days, he actually feels _rested_. And Peter thinks to himself, this is it.

The start of that very long journey towards healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing that scene with May, I love May, she's the best.   
> You guys effectively blow my mind away with the support this fic is getting, it makes me so happy!!   
> Thank you for all the kudos and the comments, you guys are awesome ♥ Don't forget to comment on this chapter too ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on, we’re gonna be late.”
> 
> MJ’s eyes dart to the hand he’s holding out to her, and he sees her hesitate for a second. His brain immediately starts panicking, but then she’s sliding her hand into his and he helps her up, his mind going absolutely blank. Her skin is fresh and soft against his, and when she stands they’re very close, close enough that he has to look up just a little to meet her eyes because she’s taller than him. She’s looking sheepishly at him, a little nervous maybe, but he can still sense the fear lingering too, so he presses her hand into his before letting go. “You’re fine, OK?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> New chapter incoming, I hope it gives you something else to think about during these troubled times! I know writing it definitely procured me an escape from the daily routine of being quarantined with two kids under 5 LOL Hope each and everyone of you guys is safe!

“Have you tried like, just putting it on?”

“Yeah dude, I have. But I don’t know, it’s like I can’t bring myself to just do it.” Peter lets out a sigh, avoiding Ned’s probably sad gaze. He’s sitting on his desk chair, holding his Spider-man mask in his hands, barely able to look at it. There’s a crushing lump inside his chest, that prevents his heart from beating and his lungs from breathing properly. It feels like all his organs are compressed by this lump, but maybe it’s all just in his head.

“What if, like, what if _I_ put it on?” Ned’s voice is hesitant, and Peter looks up to meet his eyes, eyebrows raised in surprise. His best friend shrugs, sitting up on the bed he’s been lying on for the last hour, his expression unsure. “I mean, maybe it would help, seeing the mask on someone else’s face?”

Peter considers it for a moment, staring at the snowy clouds outside his window. He’d be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t worried. It’s been a little over two months now, and he still cannot bring himself to go out as Spider-man again. Despite the fact that the neighborhood definitely needs it a lot. Despite the fact that he actually misses the feeling of swinging between buildings. Despite the fact that he knows it probably is a pretty important milestone in getting rid of his stupid PTSD and finally moving on from all this. He knows Ned is waiting impatiently for it, and he knows May is looking forward to it too – even though she would probably never admit it, she always used to give him a hard time about it and prompting him to be especially careful when he went out to fight crime and stuff.

He’s a little impatient as well, because he misses it, truly. And not just the swinging part, helping people out is always cool he thinks. And he kind of misses talking to his suit-lady Karen too. Is it rude that he hasn’t talked to her in two months? Man, he’s not sure if the AI is conscious of time passing or not, but he sure as hell feels like he’s being rude. Hopefully she’s not mad at him.

It doesn’t really matter though, because despite all this he still cannot do it. He’s not sure what’s holding him back. There’s just this crushing feeling in his chest every time he thinks about it, and he has no idea how to get rid of it. He can’t really put words onto it. Maybe it’s just too soon. He needs time, he knows it. He’s allowed himself to take his time, because he knows how important it is. He’s been through similar things before. He knows how important time is. Maybe he feels guilty about it all. People are out there and some of them need his help, but he’s still dealing with his shit like a selfish dumbass and it’s his fault they’re suffering. He could do more. And yet he doesn’t? What kind of person does that make him?

He talked about all this with May once, and she told him he didn’t have to think this way. That he had already saved them all by kicking Thanos’ ass with the other Avengers, and that it was plenty of helping out already, especially for a 16-year old kid. It made sense, when she said it. It still didn’t change how he felt about it though. He’s pissed at himself, and yet he doesn’t have the guts to actually do something about it.

Peter really wishes he could talk about all this with someone that _gets it_. Another super-hero or something. He knows exactly who he would like to talk about this with, but he obviously can’t. He doesn’t know all the others that well. And anyway, none of them would have time to come and chat with a Highschooler going through an existential crisis. You know, too busy ruling over Wakanda or fighting bad guys in Space or building Asgard or something.

Damn, he’s the boring one isn’t he?

He’s read things on the internet though. Ned showed him some tweets here and there to cheer him up. People – from NYC and other places as well – asking each other if anyone’s heard about Spider-man since the Blip. It made his insides do weird things, probably akin to a mix of guilt and thankfulness if he had to guess. He’s heard Flash ask about Spidey too. Which had been kinda confusing.

Peter looks back to Ned’s serious face and finally shrugs. “I don’t know, that’s nice of you to offer but… I just think I’m not ready yet.”

“That’s cool, I get it,” his best friend nods, and Peter knows he really does and it effectively warms his heart. “Ooh, did you get that momentum test back, by the way?”

Peter squints at him, and Ned looks at him all innocent in the face. “Yeah I did.” He takes a deep breath and adds: “MJ beat me by half a point.”

“ _Ah_! Did she gloat?”

“Yeah.”

“Classic.”

“I know right?” Peter chuckles despite himself, thinking back to her very smug smirk when they’d gotten their tests back. “She said that it officially made her the smartest one between the two of us.”

“And what did _you_ say?” Ned retorts with raised eyebrows.

“Boys! Dinner’s ready!” May’s voice calls from the kitchen, and Peter silently lets out a relieved sigh. _Saved by the bell._ He yells a ‘ _coming May!_ ’ and shots an interrogative look at his best friend. Ned asks him what May’s cooking and he tells him they’re having leftover pizza from the night before, so he decides to stay. Peter is happy he does. He’s been doing a lot better with his nightmares lately. They still come in almost every night, but he manages to keep them under control now, somehow. They’re scary and unsettling, but they don’t have that terrifying note they used to have. It’s been at least two weeks since the last time he woke up screaming, which is awesome. He’s sleeping _a lot_ better.

So now he’s comfortable with having Ned over some nights – tonight is a school night, but it’s also the last day before the Holiday break, so May is okay with it, and so are Ned’s parents. They end up eating in front of old episodes of The Big Bang Theory, and it’s a quiet night in just like Peter likes them. He could almost believe everything is back to normal again.

At some point May grows passionate about the charity she’s set up with the help of Pepper for the people that are still impacted by the Blip – there are many, _many_ of them, and Peter is proud of what May has been accomplishing with the volunteers for the past month. So they talk about it late into the evening, and she convinces Ned – fairly easily, he’s a good dude – to join them for the party the charity is organizing for New Year’s Eve. Peter is looking forward to it. He’s helped his aunt a couple of times on weekends already, and he’s gonna help for Christmas and New Year’s Eve too. He picked out old toys from thrift stores all around the neighborhood last week, and they also plastered posters around schools to encourage parents and kids to donate toys as well.

It’s always nice, helping out people in need. Makes him realize even more just how much he misses being Spider-man. Maybe with the New Year coming it will set things in motion, finally? Peter can’t help himself and be hopeful that night, which is a very sweet feeling.

He doesn’t feel as good the next day, because Ned and him stayed up way too late playing _Beast_ _S_ _layers_ and now he’s super tired. He barely survives through his first two classes, and then gets a heavenly sent nap during History – he thinks he should feel bad about it, but he doesn’t, that class is _very_ boring. When the bell rings he opens his eyes and they immediately fall on MJ on the other side of the class and he feels his cheeks becoming hot suddenly. He really ought to do something about this, he hates that he’s blushing so much still, despite the fact that they’ve been talking together a lot more. He almost thinks they’re _friends_ now.

The Snap did things to people, the Blip as well. Good things, bad things. Made people realize what is important and what is not as important. Spending times with loved ones, taking care of each other. All in all, Peter thinks people are less selfish nowadays. Like living through a traumatic event made them all more compassionate and open minded than before. Well, maybe not everyone, but still, it’s something that he’s noticed.

That’s why he thinks it makes sense that MJ’s changed a little too. She’s always her very snarky self, and there are some days where she doesn’t talk to him at all and flips him off when he tries, just like she always did before everything. _But_ , these days are not the majority anymore. She’s opening up, to him, to Betty, to Ned too – sometimes they have very animated conversations about various mythical theories during lunchtime where Peter feels a little left out, although he has to admit he really likes seeing her passionate about stuff (but he’s not gonna admit that out loud, hell no). And it feels nice. He’s hanging onto that, because that’s what he thinks you should do in life: you find things that make you happy and you hold onto them. It’s a nice way to live, and it helps him out a lot nowadays, which is definitely good.

Peter follows Ned to their Spanish class, and he gets the highest score of the class on their latest test. Then when the class is over, they go to lunch. They are always the first ones at their table – MJ once told him that her Italian teacher has hearing problems and that she never hears the bell – so they sit and start eating without her, and Peter can’t wait to be all smug about his grade when she’ll eventually arrive. She’ll probably make a snide remark of some sorts, like she always does, but he doesn’t care. She told him once very seriously that he has more of a scientific mind than a literary one, and he’s kind of excited to show her that’s not entirely true – not to prove her wrong though, because he thinks she does have a point. She’s always good on literary subjects – with everything she reads it does make a lot of sense – but she also has a great scientific mind too. Peter told her once it was unfair, and he’s not really sure he saw right because _what,_ but she might have _winked_ at him when he said that, which was, _definitely_ , very confusing for him.

She’s usually late, and he doesn’t think much of her absence until they’re halfway through their lunch break and she’s still not here. He waits for another five minutes, not sure what to do about it, and then he tells Ned he has to do something and that he’ll see him later. And he goes looking for her. He’s not really worried, except maybe he is because she’s never missed a lunch since they got back to school after the Blip so it’s definitely unusual. He steps into the empty hallway and stops for a second, thinking to try and figure out where she could be.

The first logical place is obviously the library, but she’s not there. Peter walks to their Physics class but she’s not there either, so he starts wandering around in the hallways, feeling a little stupid. Maybe she’s outside, wait no it’s _snowing_ she can’t be outside. If she’s in some bathroom somewhere then he’s doing all this for nothing. He’s not gonna go and knock on every girl bathroom’s door. No, he’s not _that_ desperate. Right?

Something’s pulling him to keep looking though, he’s not sure what exactly, but he’s glad he does because when he’s almost reached the art department on the second floor, his senses pick up something. He takes a couple of steps around the corner and there she is. And he can feel it, even though he’s like 20 feet away. MJ’s _scared_. She’s sitting with her back against the wall, her thighs pressed against her chest, arms wrapped around her knees. He can’t see her face because she’s hidden it in the crook of her elbow, but he knows it. He feels it. He’s been through this enough times to know exactly what’s happening. He can hear her cramped breathing, and his heart clenches in his chest.

He slowly walks up to her, and she doesn’t hear him because when he quietly says ‘hey’ she jumps and looks up, her eyes all foggy and surprised. He carefully smiles at her and she tightens the grip of her arms around her knees. Her breathing’s slowed down though, he notices, and that’s what prompts him to talk again, a little nervous for some reason. “You didn’t make it to lunch.”

She looks down, pressing her lips together. “Yeah I uh, wasn’t really hungry.”

“Right,” he nods, and he knows she’s lying, and he’s pretty sure she knows he knows because she wouldn’t meet his eyes. He bites his lower lip, hesitating for a second. “Anyway, ready to go kick ass in physics?” he then asks, hopefully in a casual tone, like there’s nothing wrong about finding someone sitting in an empty hallway probably trying to deal with a panic attack of some sorts. “Mr Dell would be very disappointed to be missing his best students ever.”

He feels his heart jump in his chest when MJ almost immediately smirks at that, finally meeting his gaze. “Student or student _s_? Wow, you’re full of yourself today, Parker. I thought we agreed last time that _I_ was the best since I beat you at that momentum test.”

“By _half_ a point,” Peter mumbles with a not so fake pout because he’s still annoyed by it, but then to his surprise she suppresses a small laugh, her brown eyes filled with amusement, and his heart bungee-jumps in his chest. He’s somehow filled with a new-found courage and he surprises himself with what he does next. “Come on, we’re gonna be late.”

MJ’s eyes dart to the hand he’s holding out to her, and he sees her hesitate for a second. His brain immediately starts panicking, but then she’s sliding her hand into his and he helps her up, his mind going absolutely blank. Her skin is fresh and soft against his, and when she stands they’re very close, close enough that he has to look up just a little to meet her eyes because she’s taller than him. She’s looking sheepishly at him, a little nervous maybe, but he can still sense the fear lingering too, so he presses her hand into his before letting go. “You’re fine, OK?”

MJ nods, and Peter is almost sure he is not imagining the slight blush on her cheeks before she steps back and grabs her stuff from the floor. She starts walking, probably heading towards their Physics class, and he follows her in silence, mind racing. It’s stupid, but he feels bad for not knowing what exactly she’s going through. Panic attacks are more common for pretty much everyone since the whole Thanos fiasco, but still, he doesn’t know what caused hers, and he really wishes he did because he’d like to help. But he knows MJ is a very private person, and that she only opens up when she chooses to – and it is very, very rare. He knows next to nothing about her life outside of school. Actually, the things he knows can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

He knows from that very first day back at school after the Blip that she lives with her dad but not her mom – probably divorced, but for all he knows maybe her mom died, he’s not even sure. He knows that something embarrassing happened at her 8th birthday involving a pony? – he didn’t dare ask for more details in fear of getting murdered. He knows that the one person she looks up to the most is her grand-mother but that she died when MJ was 12 – sometimes she tells him about a movie she saw with her or a book she read thanks to her, and every time her eyes lights up with a mix of love and sadness he knows all too well. He knows she goes grocery shopping on Fridays after school – Ned and him saw her once while they were gathering supplies for their Blip marathon, and she’d flipped them off saying “bugger off nerds, this is _my_ supermarket.” and the cashier had agreed with a laugh. Last but not least, he knows that if she drinks coffee instead of tea in the morning, they’re in for an especially cynical day from her part – he’s painfully experienced it at least three times before making the conclusion that sardonic MJ appeared only when the disposable cup she came in with in the morning had coffee in it.

It’s not much, especially considering the fact that he’s been around her for the entirety of his high school years so far. True, they weren’t close at all until two months ago, but still. Peter thinks about Ned, and how he knows pretty much everything about his best friend. Then again, the kind of friendship he has with Ned is not quite what he’s aiming for with MJ. Not that he thinks he has any saying in what their friendship is. He’s not even sure she considers him her friend. She’s in the driver seat, and he’s following suit like he can.

He really wants to be her friend though. He’s not exactly sure how to do that. They’ve made it into their Physics class, and despite what he said earlier, they’re not late at all. He’s lost in thoughts, not realizing he’s being a little agitated until MJ suddenly scolds: “Hyperactive much?” Peter glances apologetically at her, sitting down properly on his chair – he’d been balancing himself on two of its legs without even realizing it. MJ is watching him closely, slightly frowning for some reason. “What’s up with you?” she asks, and he hears the curiosity she’s obviously trying to hide in her voice, and it stresses him out just a little.

He makes a face, clearly not about to tell what he’s been thinking. “Nothing,” he says with a shrug, scratching a spot above his eyebrow. “So do you have any plans for the Break?” Stir the conversation away from him, that’s a plan.

Except MJ never lets him get away with his plans ever, he should know it by now he thinks. “Why?” she retorts, narrowing her eyes at him suspiciously, which makes him panic instantly. She lets him stammer for a moment before smirking at him. “I’m messing with you, Parker.” She takes a sharp breath and then adds, looking down at the Physics book in front of her: “I don’t have any plans except helping out in shelters. I found this new charity that’s been created to help people displaced by the Blip.”

“Oh.” Peter doesn’t know how to feel about that. “Oh that’s, that’s great.” Just when he was thinking he didn’t know much about her life, she offers him such a crucial and amazing part of her, and somehow he feels embarrassed because of how surprised it makes him. Which is dumb, because it actually makes so much sense. Of course she would help out people. Of course she wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. She’s always out there, taking part in social protests for women and minorities, being selfless and caring even though at first sight she looks like she hates everyone and would rather be alone. Peter feels deeply stupid for not figuring that one out sooner. “You’re not spending Christmas with your family?” he asks, in a poor attempt to divert himself from the shame he’s feeling.

MJ bites her lower lip and he curses himself, wondering if he said something he shouldn’t have said _again_. He hates how awkward and stupid he feels. _Way to be a good friend, Parker._ He watches as she apparently hesitates, shyly meeting his eyes before talking again, her voice lower and more uncertain that usual: “My mom invited me to spend it at her place but…” She takes another shaky breath. “I’d rather spend my time helping out people that actually need me.” Peter feels his heart fall into his chest at that, but she doesn’t let him say anything. “Anyway, I don’t care much really. What about you?”

Most of the times, she acts in ways that confuse the hell out of him, but right now her sudden change of subject and the expression on her face are so familiar to Peter it’s almost painful. He’s seen this before. He’s _felt_ this before. She was hurt, she _is_ hurt, and she doesn’t want to dwell on it. That is definitely something he can relate to. So it’s very easy, for once, to decide on what to say next. “I’m spending Christmas with my aunt,” he tells her with a smile, and he’s happy to see her return it, even if it’s small and doesn’t last long. He hesitates a second, wondering if he should tell her he’s actually helping out in shelters too, but then Mr Dell arrives and the class starts.

Peter focuses on what he’s saying for a little while, but like most of his scientific classes he still remembers pretty much everything from his first junior year so his mind trails off after ten minutes. He doodles random things on the corner of his sheet of paper, then glances at MJ absentmindedly. She’s staring into the void, apparently not paying attention either, and something suddenly strikes him. “How come you never draw in Physics?” he whispers without thinking, and she meets his gaze with a frown. “What? You’re clearly bored most of the time, and yet you don’t draw, why not?”

“Who do you think you are, the Inquisition?” MJ retorts grumpily, and somehow he thinks she’s _embarrassed_ , and it kind of makes him even more curious. MJ’s never embarrassed by anything. Even that time she told him about that supposedly embarrassing incident at her 8th birthday she wasn’t ashamed at all, completely neutral actually.

“No, just curious,” he says, watching her face from the side of his eyes, not quite prying because that’s clearly _not_ something she’d like, but still not completely letting it go.

She makes a face and shrugs, clearly avoiding his gaze. “I don’t know, I guess there isn’t really much to draw here. You know, no people in crisis and stuff,” she adds, barely glancing in his direction, and for some reason it amuses him. He must be a pretty good actor then, he thinks.If only she knew about all the crap going on inside his head, she’d probably have notebooks covered with his face.

“I could pretend to be in trouble and you could draw me,” he says playfully, and he sees the slightest shift at the corner of her lips, indicating that she’s repressing a smile. His heart jumps in his chest and it makes him bolder for some reason. “That way you wouldn’t look so miserable all the time.”

MJ turns swiftly on her chair, glaring at him so angrily he should probably feel bad about it, except he doesn’t. “What the hell Parker, _you’re_ miserable,” she snaps at him, a little louder than she’d probably intended as a few curious heads turn towards them. It makes Peter chuckle, because he can’t believe he’s actually winning at that banter thing they’re doing all the time. This never happens. It’s very gratifying, he has to admit it.

“Wow, great comeback,” he points out cheekily, and she very clearly grinds her teeth in annoyance. He doesn’t add anything, pretending to listen to what Mr Dell’s currently saying, and barely hiding his satisfied grin. He can feel her eyes on his face for a little while, which he tries to ignore because he knows he’ll eventually blush under her gaze because that’s always what happens.

Just when he’s starting to feel a little uncomfortable, she takes out a sheet of paper and starts drawing. Peter glances at her once again, letting out a quiet but triumphant sigh that has her repressing another smile by biting her lower lip. He doesn’t try and take a peak at what she’s drawing. From the position of her arm, she obviously doesn’t want him to look, and he’s okay with that. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t draw in Physics, maybe she’s not comfortable with people watching her draw. If that was it though, she wouldn’t draw in other classes as well, except she does. Peter doesn’t have an explanation for that.

His mind trails off on various subjects for the remainder of the class, until MJ stops drawing. She looks at the sheet of paper for a moment, then neatly folds it in two and slides it into her physics book. When she lets out a sigh, Peter takes it as an invitation to speak. “Feeling better?” he asks her, and she meets his gaze with a blank expression and a shrug. “Can I ask you what you drew or are you going to murder me if I do?” he adds casually, and she just snickers at that, and her lack of response is an answer in itself. “Right, I won’t risk it then,” he mumbles after a while, and she smirks, making him smile in return.

They stare at each other for just a beat too long before looking away awkwardly, and Peter has no idea what happens for the rest of the class, too caught up in the storm of thoughts in his head and in the pounding of his heart. There are moments like this one where he could almost believe she actually likes him. As in more than friends. He will not risk anything though. He appreciates her friendship too much to potentially ruin it by asking for more. He doesn’t want more. Well, maybe he does, but it doesn’t matter. He can’t, and he won’t.

Besides, he’s still such a mess it wouldn’t be fair to her anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo what's gonna happen now? :D (if you've read 67% sure you know but whatever haha) Feel like we're making some progress here, but poor Peter still has some issues he has to deal with, obviously! Alright now, Chapter 2 was a hit, Chapter 3 not so much, what happened guys?  
> May I say, your comments are the fuel of my life right now (I'm not exaggerating, seriously, it brings me so much joy to hear what you think).  
> Anyway, stay safe you guys, hopefully I can keep up with updating every Tuesday if that's alright with you? :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “– and somewhere around here is… ah, there he is, my nephew Peter.” Her voice brings him back to reality, and he stares wide-eyed at MJ from the other side of the room as their gazes meet. A little part of him tells him he probably looks like an idiot, but the majority of him is a total void of nothingness as he tries to grasp the fact that Michelle Jones is volunteering here of all places. How come he never thought of that possibility, he has no idea. She did say she planned on volunteering for Christmas. He probably came to the conclusion – without really thinking about it – that she would do so somewhere closer to home instead of all the way here in Brooklyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!!  
> I'm finally back!! Sorry it's been a while, I got quite sick and couldn't write for soooooo long, but I'm finally feeling better now! I hope you guys are all okay, I apologize in advance if you spot any mistakes or anything I'm sorry, I'm feeling better but I'm still not at 100% so yeah.  
> Anyway, enjoy!

How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones 

(and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)

Peter spends the next couple of days helping out May get everything ready for the Christmas charity party. They’re organizing it in a cultural center in Brooklyn on the 24th, and there’s at least six volunteers signed up already, plus May and Peter. He’s a little worried that they won’t be enough, but May assures him that there will be more volunteers coming in at the last minute. She still makes him go and place posters around Brooklyn the entire afternoon the day before the party though.

He doesn't complain, he likes being outside. It has stopped snowing the night before, and the sidewalks are all scrunchy and slippery. He helps out a couple of people getting around while he's at it, and gets almost teary-eyed when an old lady offers him to buy him a churro in return for his help. He'd missed all this. He thinks it's about time he suits up again. He really wishes he didn't get all worked up anytime he thinks about it. He really doesn't know what he could do to get rid of that crushing feeling in his chest.

What's holding him back, he's still not really sure.

Wandering around the unfamiliar neighborhood, Peter inevitably starts thinking about Captain America, and how the few times he met him he’d called him ‘ _Queens_ ’. He wonders what the man’s up to these days. When he starts reminiscing about that time he’d found Tony Stark sitting in his living-room, and how it had effectively changed his entire life, Peter shakes his head and forces himself to think about something else. It’s hard. He’s everywhere. He always is, it’s the same in Queens. People are still mourning Iron Man. They didn’t know him, but they all know what they owe him.

Peter knows what _he_ owes him. Everything. Somehow he knows what Tony would say if he heard him. _You don’t owe me anything kid._ He’d probably be right, but it doesn’t mean Peter isn’t sure of that any less. He wouldn’t be who he is now if it weren’t for Tony Stark, he knows it. He's okay with that fact. Actually he likes that fact about himself. Tony Stark was an important part of his life. He still is, even now that he's gone. Maybe accepting that is a good step towards recovery?

To be honest at this point Peter is all for pretty much  _anything_ that could help him out of all this. He thinks his PTSD is getting better. It took a while but he isn't overwhelmed anymore when he goes out in a particularly noisy environment for example. He doesn't get startled  as much , even though his Spidey sense isn't back yet. He doesn't get as many nightmares too. He's getting better, he truly is. Maybe that's why he's finding it increasingly frustrating not being able to just suit up and resume his spider-activities.

He’s holding on to the hope that with the new year starting in just a week, things are gonna move.  A little part of himself thinks it’s stupid, that it’s not going to change anything, that he still has to figure a lot of things out before he  can be Spider-man again. But he’s hopeful, and optimist, that’s who he is  as a person – thanks to May, he knows it – and so he keeps hoping  instead of moping. 

The 24 th rolls by, and they spend their entire day working at the Cultural center the party is  organized in.  It’s around 6 pm,  Peter ’s busy hanging  ornaments on the giant tree when he hears May’s voice from the other side of the room and looks up to see who she’s talking to. And his heart stops. 

His aunt is standing next to the buffet, introducing someone to the other volunteers. A tall someone with wavy brown hair, fiddling with her scarf, looking a little nervous but smiling in a way he’s not sure he’s ever seen from her before. Peter thinks absentmindedly it’s probably thanks to May’s enthusiasm and kindness. She always brings the biggest smiles  out of anyone, he thinks, like a ray of sunshine during a stormy day or something. 

“– and somewhere around here is… ah, there he is, my nephew Peter.” Her voice brings him back to reality, and he stares wide-eyed at MJ from the other side of the room as their gazes meet. A little part of him tells him he probably looks like an idiot, but the majority of him is a total void of nothingness as he tries to grasp the fact that Michelle Jones is volunteering _here_ of all places. How come he never thought of that possibility, he has no idea. She did say she planned on volunteering for Christmas. He probably came to the conclusion – without really thinking about it – that she would do so somewhere closer to home instead of all the way here in Brooklyn. 

_What were the odds?_

She’s looking at him, and he can see the surprise in her brown eyes before it quickly changes into amusement, and he knows it’s because of his face, and it makes him blush furiously like the huge dork he is. “MJ? Wh-what are you doing here?” he asks, slowly walking towards them.

He meets May's curious eyes as she glances between him and MJ, and his mind goes into panic mode because he knows exactly what's about to happen and how he can't do anything to stop it from happening. "Oh you guys know each other?" she asks innocently, and Peter barely resists the urge to hide his face in his hands in embarrassment as he makes his way towards the both of them.

"Uh yeah, yes, she's uh, we're in the uh, the same uh..."

"Class," MJ finishes for him with a smirk in his direction, coughing in her sleeve to probably hide her snicker caused by his stupidly red face. In the split second she's not looking May silently mouths at Peter " _physics class right?_ " with a wink, and he really just wishes to die right here on the spot, swallowed by the floor or something.

"Wait, are _you_ the mysterious MJ he's been telling me all about?" May asks mischievously, glancing between them again, and Peter can't help himself.

" _May_!" He says indignantly, his cheeks burning. He looks daggers at his aunt, silently begging her to stop, but she just smiles at him cheekily. He doesn't get to add anything else because then MJ says something that has him glance at her in absolute panic.

"Wow, you talk about _me_ Parker?" She's teasing him, her eyes filled with amusement, and he's pretty sure if she'd been closer to him she would have nudged him in the ribs. He curses his own brain for going completely blank because of the situation.

"What, no!" he stammers, horrifyingly embarrassed, moving his hands around like an idiot. "I mean, yes, I mean I just –"

"Anyway," MJ cuts him pointedly before he can make an even bigger fool out of himself, "what can I do to help?"

May gives her an appreciative look, and once again Peter just wishes he could disappear. Maybe ask a favor from Dr Strange and his magic portal thingy to help him out of this situation or something. Damn, he doesn't even have the wizard's number. Wait, do wizards use cellphones anyway? No, they probably have some kind of magic communication device. Or do they really use owls? _Not the_ _point_ _here,_ Peter has to coach himself, putting that question aside for later. He's sure Ned would be thrilled to have an answer to that. Man, Peter's even surprised he didn't ask about it already. Maybe he has and he didn't hear him though, that would be probable, when Ned gets started on something it usually lasts a long time and yes, sometimes Peter spaces out of it just a little.

_Oh my God, focus Parker._

"Well you can help Mr Peter here with the ornaments," May is saying to MJ, nodding playfully in his direction, "and then there's a box in the back with gifts for the kids, so if you could set these up under the tree, that'd be great."

"Right, let's do this then," MJ nods with a tight smile, and Peter still can't believe any of this is happening for real. Maybe he's just dreaming again. Not that he has any dreams about spending time with MJ. Nope, not at all... Oh who is he kidding really? Of course he has. This is positively mortifying.

May is looking pointedly at him and he hates it. Luckily for him though, another volunteer has arrived while they were talking and she leaves them with one last wink for Peter while MJ is not looking. "Thanks May," he grumbles, barely daring to meet MJ's eyes. "OK come on then." He leads her to the Christmas tree he’s been working on decorating for the last half hour, and to his surprise MJ does so in silence. He thought she would jump on the occasion to tease him relentlessly as soon as May would be out of earshot, but apparently not. It doesn’t prevent him from stressing out completely though. Might even make it worse because he overthinks everything as usual.

Peter climbs on a chair to reach for the highest branches, hands a little sweaty, and for a good five minutes – that seem to actually last an eternity or two – they decorate the tree in silence. He knows it will not last though, and he’s right. After hanging a particularly ugly reindeer ornament on one branch – yes he’s watching her from the corner of his eyes, yes it’s bad –, MJ clears her throat and asks casually: “ _So_ , why didn’t you tell me?”

He can feel another flush on his cheeks and hesitates for a while, pointedly avoiding her gaze when he finally answers: “I don’t know I… didn’t want you to think that I was, I don’t know, bragging?”

She instantly snorts at that. “Dude, did you think _I_ was bragging?”

“No, of course not!” Peter assures indignantly, his heart jumping in his chest when he meets her eyes and she chuckles lightly.

“Well there you go then,” she smirks at him, and there’s something in her eyes that has him look down, blushing again. He stays quiet for a minute, absentmindedly hanging more ornaments. Why didn’t he tell her? He was thinking about it but then Mr Dell arrived, and even though they kept talking during the class he still didn’t say anything about it. Her question is a valid one, to which he apparently doesn’t have an answer.

“I guess I…” he hesitates again, and she glances up at him, and somehow the words start coming out of his mouth without him really thinking, “I just didn’t want you to think that I was just, I don’t know, making small talk or something.”

“But we were, weren’t we?” she retorts with a raised eyebrow, visibly confused.

“No! I mean, yeah maybe but…” Peter gulps awkwardly as MJ looks at him, surprised by how offended he sounds. “It’s not just, I mean, it’s not _just_ that it’s… we’re, we’re friends right?” Well there you have it. He can’t believe he just said that. It’s been on his mind for a long time, true, but he never really had the intention to ask it so bluntly.

MJ looks at him in surprise, and they stare at each other for a moment, and he really wishes he could know what’s going behind her eyes right now. They’re studying him carefully, and there’s something in them, something deep and welcoming, that makes him want to dive in them and stay there forever. Then she blinks a couple of times, and it somehow breaks the spell, but Peter isn’t mad because he really likes the words that are coming out of her mouth as she nods quietly. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess we are.”

He takes a shaky breath and smiles sheepishly at her, nodding too. “Cool. That’s… yeah.” She chuckles at that, and he laughs too, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. It seems to lighten up the tensed mood between them, and they dive back into decorating the tree with smiles on their faces. They joke around for a little while, then Peter gets down of his chair and they take a couple of steps back to admire their work. The ornaments aren’t matching because they were all donated by different families from around the entire neighborhood, but the tree is colorful and the little lights are twinkling, and Peter knows it will make people happy.

He’s very aware of how close to him MJ is standing. When he moves just a little the large sleeves of both their hoodies actually brush. It sends his brain into overdrive, and that’s a little inconvenient he thinks. He clears his throat and tells her she can wait here while he goes in the back to pick up the toys they have to set up under the tree, and obviously she tells him ‘no way’ and follows him there to help him.

“You just want to show off,” she says lightly, and Peter scrapes his throat, his ears going a little red.

“What? No of course not,” he weakly retorts, meeting May’s gaze on the other side of the room and quickly averting his eyes as he notices her grin. He knows that as soon as MJ will leave his aunt is going to jump at his throat and interrogate him, and he is really _not_ looking forward to it. The best way to delay that is to just stick with MJ, he thinks. That’s something he’s willing to do. Maybe a little too much but whatever. He can feel she’s eyeing him as they make their way into the backroom, saying ‘hi’ to another volunteer there. She’s waiting for him to continue their little banter game they have going on, and he’s gonna happily oblige, even though he already knows he’s gonna lose once again. “Show off what?”

“Don’t play dumb, Parker,” MJ sighs, and there’s a tension in her words he can’t quite explain.

“You think I’m strong?” he ventures a little cheekily, walking up to where he knows the box of toys is. He doesn’t look at her, because he knows meeting her eyes would only break his confidence – he’s experienced it many times in the past months, it’s not fun, well at least not for him. He hears a light snort behind him and bites his lower lip to prevent his smile, moving things around to get to the toy box.

“I’m very observant,” she just says in a low voice that makes it pretty difficult not to look back at her. Peter wonders if she’s thinking about that time she’d caught him shirtless behind the bleachers at school, ages ago. He for his part sure as hell is. He remembers how he’d thought she’d definitely checked him out, how she’d blushed, how he’d heard her heart slightly picking up. He resists the urge to listen and hear if it _is_ beating faster or not right now. He thinks it’s not fair. He knows for a fact that his own heart is pounding almost painfully against his ribs.

“Yeah yeah, just say you check me out I get it.” He’s surprising himself by saying this, and for the first time ever he actually wonders if they are _flirting_ or not. He needs to ask Ned about it. He really isn’t sure. He doesn’t know what it would mean too, if they are indeed flirting. Wow, he’s stressing out. He subtly swipes his sweaty hands on his pants before grabbing the box from the shelf it is stored in.

“Ha! You wish,” she says just as he turns around. She’s eyeing him with a slight smirk from the other side of the storage room, near the entrance, and Peter catches his breath. He tries to avoid her eyes, but they’re like magnets and he’s a fridge’s door. Wait, what kind of comparison is _that_?

As he anticipated, meeting her gaze has him lose his cool – not that he has much anyway, especially when he compares himself with a freaking fridge – and he trips on his own feet like an idiot, stumbling forward and barely catching himself before falling or dropping the toy box. Sometimes, he hates himself. “Crap.”

“Need some help here?” MJ asks cheekily, and Peter feels like his ears are burning.

“I’m good,” he retorts without glancing at her.

“See, what did I tell you?” she deadpans as he walks past her, out of the storage room. “Show off.”

Peter feels her hand lightly nudging his elbow, and it sends ‘mayday’ signals all through his entire body, which he tries to ignore. They almost never touch. The few times they did are engraved in his mind. “Yeah yeah whatever,” he mumbles, trying to act casual when his entire brain is going awry. Somehow it makes her chuckle, and he has to take a deep breath to oxygenate himself because he thinks he might be on the verge of fainting. All of this is not good for his mental health he thinks. Why does he have to be such a dork?

“Nice comeback.”

“Shut up.”

She chuckles again, and Peter has to bite his lower lip not to join her. He sets the box of toys next to the Christmas tree, and opens it to find that most of them are already wrapped up in colorful paper. They grab a few presents and start organizing them under the tree. MJ is very meticulous, and Peter follows her lead happily, thinking to himself he really likes her thoughtful expression about little things, like harmonizing the gifts according to their sizes or the color of their wrapping. He almost tells her that she really has an artistic mind but then chickens out like an idiot.

Once they’re done, there are still a couple of toys that are not wrapped so MJ goes looking for some tape and scissors, telling him to just wait here, and so that’s what he does. He doesn’t even have the time to settle down on one of the empty chairs that his aunt appears out of nowhere next to him. _She_ must have Dr Strange’s number, Peter thinks with a roll of eyes as she smiles at him, eyes twinkling somehow.

“Soooo, you guys did a great job here, thanks,” May tells him, looking at the Christmas tree with a genuinely happy expression.

“Yeah, we still have a couple of presents to wrap, MJ went to grab some tape and scissors.”

“Good, good.”

He meets his aunt’s eyes despite himself, and she’s looking expectantly at him so he hides his face in his hands with a groan. “Please don’t embarrass me May…”

“ _What_?” she exclaims, and he can hear the repressed laughter in her voice, “I’m wounded, you know I would never do such a thing.”

“Yeah right,” he looks up at her, and her expression has changed into a fondness that makes his heart swell in his chest. He smiles despite himself, and she nudges him in the shoulder playfully. “Come on!” he falsely complains, and she laughs.

“I’m just glad you’re happy,” she tells him, and he bites down another smile, cheeks flushing again. “She sounds amazing.”

“Yeah well,” he shrugs, looking down at his feet, heart pounding for some reason, “she is.”

“And,” May continues, patting his head to probably try and tame his hair a little, “Ned is right, she seems to like you.”

“Shut up…”

“You kiss your aunt with that mouth?!” They both laugh at that, and Peter can’t help finding it very nice. They joke around a little more, and then MJ comes back and May helps them wrapping the rest of the gifts – without hinting at anything embarrassing about Peter, thank Thor. Once they’re done, it’s almost time for people to arrive, so May sends MJ and Peter to help out at the front door, to take everyone’s coats and put them away before they get inside the main room. She also gives them little tags with their names on it, and then the rush starts.

Peter doesn’t get a minute to feel bored for the rest of the night. May pairs him up with MJ all night, and they help at the buffet, then get in charge of giving presents to the children, and it’s amazing. The smiles on their little faces is everything, Peter thinks, and then he spots MJ’s face from across the crowd of shrieking kids, and he feels his heart swell so much in his chest he’s kind of afraid it’s gonna blow. He’s never seen such a genuinely happy smile on her before, her eyes gleaming in the Christmas tree lights, and he’s almost overwhelmed by everything he’s feeling because of it.

Then he gets distracted. Someone is tugging his sleeve so he looks down to see a little girl frowning at him. He smiles at her, and she takes it as an invitation to speak. She’s barely older than 6 or 7, he thinks. The chatter around them is loud, and her voice shy and quiet, so he kneels down beside her to hear her better. “Hey, can you say that again please? I couldn’t hear you with all the noise.”

She bites her lip, looking down at her shoes. “Do you have any Spider-man toys?” she asks again, and Peter feels his heart drop inside his chest. The little girl is staring expectantly at him, and he knows he has to say something. He takes a deep breath and smiles at her again.

“I don’t know if Santa brought any Spider-man gifts, I’m sorry, but you can look around if you want, maybe you can find one.”

“I miss him,” she tells him quietly, “you know I saw him once?”

“You did? Wow, that’s cool.”

“Yeah, I know! I’m Leila by the way.”

“Nice to meet you Leila, I’m Peter,” he shakes the hand she’s extending to him, and then she goes searching for her toy, leaving Peter alone with that familiar burning sensation behind his eyes, and a weird feeling of emptiness he can’t really describe. He doesn’t get to dwell on it though, having to manage a little argument between two toddlers who’d reached for the same present. When he sees Leila again later, she proudly shows him the Spider-man watch she found, and he can only smile back to that toothless grin she’s offering him.

“I’m happy you got what you wanted,” he tells her, and she nods enthusiastically at that, before looking seriously at him.

“What about you, did you get what you wanted?”

He doesn’t know what to answer to that the slightest, and before he can say anything her dad calls her back and she leaves with a nice ‘Merry Christmas Peter’ and a last toothless smile. After everyone’s left, the dozen of volunteers help clean up everything, and it’s fairly quick, which is a good thing because somehow Peter is exhausted. May pairs him up with MJ again, and they put away all the chairs in the storage room, before sweeping the entire room. Once they’re done, they sit down on the bleachers and eat leftover food, exchanging their impressions on the night, and it feels great. May offered to drive MJ back home, so she’s hanging around with him while they wait for his aunt to be done with everything. They’re the last ones to leave, since she has to be the one to close up.

“Was it your first time volunteering?” Peter asks MJ in between bites of delicious apple pie.

“No, I’ve been doing a lot of charity work since the Blip,” she tells him with a shrug. “But this was my first time doing something so big, it was great. The smiles on those kids’ faces…”

“Yeah, that was awesome,” Peter nods immediately, smiling broadly at her.

“Was it your first time?”

“Kinda yeah, I mean I helped May a little since she started, but not very regularly and not like this, mostly you know, placing posters and collecting donations and stuff.”

“Yeah, that’s part of it too.”

“True, but it’s not as satisfying as what we did tonight though.”

“Okay guys, we can go now!” May’s voice comes from the other side of the room, and they hurry down the bleachers, rinsing their plates off in the kitchen before following her to the car. Somehow they end up sitting in the back together, and it’s a little weird, and a very quiet ride. When May stops the car in front of the building MJ lives in, she turns in her seat and asks casually: “Will we see you on New Year’s Eve?”

“Yes, absolutely,” MJ says immediately, with no hesitation whatsoever, and Peter almost feels light-headed because of it. She smiles at his aunt, then meets his gaze, smiling still, and then they’re exchanging goodnights and she gets out of the car. Peter switches seats to sit next to his aunt, and they drive home in a comfortable silence. It’s only when they’ve reached their assigned parking spot that May speaks up, and Peter is kind of surprised at how long she kept it in to be honest.

“I love her, she’s amazing!”

And it makes him laugh, and by the time he collapses on his bed half an hour later – after May talked his ear off about the whole night and how she’s so proud and happy of what they all did – his cheeks are definitely hurting because of how wide his smile still is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, if you spot anything weird please feel free to tell me, I've written some of it on my phone while I was sick so some parts might be a little wonkier than usual (is that a word? English is such a wonderful language)   
> Hopefully I will be back in a week with a new chapter, in the meantime take care of yourselves guys!! Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments too ♥


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So who was it then?” Ned asks, curiosity very obvious in his voice. Peter hesitates, cheeks a little red again, and his best friend being, well, his best friend, immediately interprets his silence for what it really is. “Oh my God, was it MJ? Was MJ there?”  
> Peter gulps and nods shyly, before remembering they’re on the phone and he can’t see him. “Yeah.”  
> There’s a beat. “Well that’s something.” Another beat. Peter kind of wishes he could see his friend’s face to guess what he’s thinking right now. Ned is just like him, his emotions are always pretty clear. Or maybe he just knows him so well he can unconsciously read his thoughts. They’ve had discussions about this already. Multiple times. It’s an ongoing theory between them. “So, did you guys make out?”  
> “WHAT?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND PEOPLE!!!  
> So, I wrote 3,400 words today for some reason, so yeah, here you have it, new update everyone! xD

How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones 

(and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)

Peter shifts a little, angling himself in the corner of the room for a more comfortable position. His cellphone chooses this moment to slip out of his pocket and fall on his bed, earphones following and dangling half a second before being ripped off of his ears. He gestures awkwardly to try and prevent the whole thing, but the huge Star Wars art-book in his hands gets in the way and he fails. With a sigh, he lands on his bed and retrieves phone and earphones, hearing Ned’s choked ‘ _What was that?!_ ’

“Oops, sorry dude I dropped you,” Peter apologizes, setting the amazing book his aunt got him for Christmas aside and laying on his pillow like a normal person, hands behind his head.

“Were you on the ceiling again?” his friend asks with a laugh, making him smile.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s where I do my best thinking you know.”

He can hear the familiar ruffle of Lego pieces for a minute before his best friend speaks again. “Hey, you never ended up telling me how was the charity party yesterday?”

“Oh, yeah.” Peter can feel his cheeks growing hot, and he scratches an eyebrow pensively. It’s the 25th, late afternoon. He’s been on the phone with Ned for over an hour, both doing their own thing and talking every once in a while. Peter likes doing this, how comfortable and inherently nice it feels to just share silence over the phone with someone you love. “It was great, very rewarding.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah…” he hesitates a second, very self-conscious for some reason. “Also, guess who was there too.”

“Ooh, I like this game, hmm, let me think…” There’s another ruffle of Lego pieces being pushed away, and Peter knows Ned is now giving him all his attention. He also knows that this could take a while – Ned does love this game, but is usually really bad at it – and thinks to himself he’ll let his best friend three guesses before telling him. “Okay, okay, Steve Rogers?”

“What? No, why would he be there?” Peter asks, a little confused.

“I don’t know he’s from Brooklyn isn’t he?”

“Uh, yeah, good guess but no, that’s not it.”

“Okay, hmm, Pepper Potts?”

“No, May really wanted her to come but she’d promised Morgan they would celebrate Christmas together with Rhodey and Happy,” Peter explains, smiling as he thinks back to how enthusiastic Morgan had sounded over the phone this morning while she was listing him all the presents she got.

“Right, first Christmas without…”

“Yeah.” There’s an awkward, sad silence for a little while, as Peter tries not to think too much about what Ned was about to say. He takes a deep breath, before plastering a fake smile on his face – which is kinda useless since Ned cannot see him – and clears his throat. “Alright, last guess? Then I tell you.”

“Okay um, any clues?”

“Right, um, it’s someone from school.”

“Flash?! _Ew_ , I hope not, wait no, that’s not my guess, um, um, Mr Harrington?”

“Nope and nope,” Peter chuckles despite himself at how revolted Ned sounded at the sole idea of Flash being there. He’s super glad that he wasn’t. Would have been another great showing of Parker Luck.

“So who was it then?” Ned asks, curiosity very obvious in his voice. Peter hesitates, cheeks a little red again, and his best friend being, well, his best friend, immediately interprets his silence for what it really is. “Oh my God, was it MJ? Was MJ there?”

Peter gulps and nods shyly, before remembering they’re on the phone and he can’t see him. “Yeah.”

There’s a beat. “Well that’s something.” Another beat. Peter kind of wishes he could see his friend’s face to guess what he’s thinking right now. Ned is just like him, his emotions are always pretty clear. Or maybe he just knows him so well he can unconsciously read his thoughts. They’ve had discussions about this already. Multiple times. It’s an ongoing theory between them. “So, did you guys make out?”

“ _WHAT?!_ ”

Ned’s laughter erupts instantly, filling Peter’s ears for a good minute, and making him smile despite himself. He tells him grumpily to just shut up, and it makes Ned laugh even more. Peter glances towards his door to make sure it’s closed. He wouldn’t want May to see him right now. His cheeks and ears are so hot he thinks he probably looks like a tomato. He really wishes he wouldn’t blush as much. So embarrassing. “So she met May,” Ned says as a matter of fact, once he’s calmed down a little. Peter can still hear the deep amusement in his voice though.

“Yup.” He takes another deep breath before blurting out like an idiot: “And she’s coming back on New Year’s Eve.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, May asked her last night and uh, she said yes right away.”

“That’s cool.” A beat. “So how was it?”

“Um, cool, I mean she uh… I kinda ended up asking her if we were friends and uh, yeah, she said we are.” He’s still giddy about the whole thing. He didn’t mention that to May the night before. Telling Ned now feels a little unreal for some reason.

“Heyyy, well there you go buddy!” Ned exclaims, and a smile stretches Peter’s lips instantly. He knows if they were in the same room he would have given him a congratulatory slap on the shoulder. “That’s cool, I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks dude.” Peter hesitates for a second again. Maybe having this conversation over the phone is actually the best way to do it. He knows for a fact that Ned would never make fun of him, but on the other hand, it still is very embarrassing either way, so maybe not actually seeing him could probably be a great alternative. “I wanted to ask you something about that, by the way.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Um… Do you think MJ and I uh… do you think we flirt?”

He’s disarmed by how quickly his best friend answers. “Flirt? Yeah, definitely.”

“Oh my God.” He can’t believe this. His heart kinda feel like it’s about to beat out of his chest. “Is that, is it… wait, are you _sure_? I mean, it doesn’t sound very likely I –”

“Yeah I know, it’s weird as shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I first saw you guys do it,” Ned tells him absentmindedly, and Peter can hear him shuffling through Lego pieces again. Peter lets out a shaky sigh, barely daring to move from where he’s lying on his bed. None of this conversation feels real. “It’s in this awkward, weirdly detached way, but yeah, you definitely do.”

“Oh my God,” Peter says again breathlessly. “Wh-what, what should I do about it?”

“I don’t know Pete, what do _you_ wanna do about it?”

Somehow this takes him back to the night before, and Leila’s deep, spot-on question she asked him right before heading home. ‘ _What about you, did you get what you wanted?’_ He had no idea what to answer to that, and he’s been thinking about it a lot all day. He’s not entirely sure what he wants. Well, that’s not true. He knows exactly what he wants, and it doesn’t have anything to do with MJ, and it troubles him deeply. “I don’t, I mean, I – _Dude_ , I have no idea.”

“That’s okay,” Ned tells him quietly, and Peter knows if he were there, he would be staring at him very deeply and seriously. He can hear all the comfort and reassurance Ned is trying to put in his voice, and it warms his heart. “You don’t have to do anything Pete. Just, go with the flow as they say, if that’s what you want.”

“I mean…” Peter sighs, a lump forming in his throat. “I have literally no idea what I want.”

“Maybe you do but it’s just not what you expect it to be.” There is a reason why Ned’s D&D nickname always is Ned the Wise, Peter thinks. “But you don’t have to know exactly what you want. I mean, you’re 16 Peter, no one expects you to have things figured out instantly you know.”

“Yeah I guess.” It’s still overwhelming thinking about the future, but he’s kind of used to that now. He cannot project himself into what could be and what will be, not ever since everything. “I don’t think I can.”

“Ask her out?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m… I don’t know, ready?”

“That’s okay you know, I don’t think she’s expecting you to do anything anyway,” Ned tells him seriously. “I mean, it’s MJ we’re talking about, I don’t think she expects anything from anyone really.”

“True,” Peter nods with a nervous laugh. He lets out a tired sigh, heart still beating a little too fast for his taste.

“Oops, my mom’s calling, I have to go,” Ned says after a while, “talk to you later?”

“Yup, see ya!” They do their ritual phone shake – their greatest invention so far, Peter thinks – then they both hang up, and Peter stays still on his bed, head swarming with thoughts. If he’s honest with himself, what he wants is actually very clear. He wants to be Spider-man again. He’s been focusing on being Peter Parker and dealing with what had to be dealt with ever since Tony’s death and the whole Thanos fiasco, but now he really wants to get back to that other very important part of him.

The only thing is, he has no idea how to do it. It should be simple, but it’s not. He should be able to just pick up the suit and do it, but he can’t. Something’s holding him back, despite the gut wrenching guilt he’s feeling from not doing his part, despite the longing of just _being_ Spider-man again. He really needs to put words on this, but he can’t seem to.

He’s getting impatient. Almost pissed off at himself really. But he’s also reluctant to talk about it with Ned or May, which is dumb he thinks, so it feels like he’s not going anywhere with this. Like he’s not getting better, like he cannot move on no matter how hard he wants to. A little part of him points out constantly that it’s only been a little over two months, but he thinks there’s no excuse. He’s never been patient anyway. He’s restless, a little impulsive, definitely keen on quick-thinking. This stagnant state of not being able to do what he really wants to do is killing him.

He spends the next five days trying to come up with a plan, but fails miserably. On the 30th, his aunt suggests they could go to the movies – he knows she’s trying to cheer him up and appreciates it – and so that’s what they do. She invites Ned too, and they watch a rerun of the first Back to the Future, which in Peter’s opinion might be the greatest way to cheer someone up, really. He’s having an amazing time, and when they get out of the theater Ned and him are actively trying to convince May to go ice-skating and/or grab some hot-dogs.

Then they hear a scream. It’s still relatively early, but as it is winter, night has already fallen. The three of them rush towards the alley the cry came from, alongside a couple of other persons. Peter stops in his tracks as the scene unrolls in front of his eyes. A man apparently grabbed a woman’s handbag and tried to make a run for it. Ned and another man immediately stop him from running anywhere, while the third person reaches out for her phone to call 911 and May rushes to the victim’s side. And Peter stands there, incapable of thinking, of moving, paralyzed with _fear_.

They stand by waiting for the police, give their statement, then they head home. They drop Ned off at his place, and Peter can barely look at him as they say goodbye. May and him walk home in silence, and he knows she’s worrying for him, but he can’t bring himself to say anything. He’s so _ashamed_. He couldn’t do anything when someone needed his help. He got so terrified he couldn’t even move. His eyes are stinging so hard he can barely see, and he staggers on the steps as they make their way up the stairs to their place.

He can feel May’s gaze on him, but he cannot meet her eyes. He goes straight to his room and silently close the door, stumbling to sit on his bed and let the tears finally roll down his cheeks. He’s so ashamed he can barely breath, the lump in his throat so hard he’s almost gasping for air. He can hear May hesitating behind the door, and it’s killing him. He doesn’t want to make her sad. He doesn’t want to make her worry.

When she finally knocks on the door and opens it quietly, he doesn’t look up. She steps in his room, sits down on the bed next to him, her shoulder pressed against his. He can see her hands rolled into fists resting on her thighs. She stays quiet for a little while, and when she takes a sharp breath Peter speaks up in a hoarse voice that doesn’t sound like him at all: “I don’t wanna hear it May…”

“Then I won’t say anything,” May tells him in a whisper, lifting her arm to hug him.

And she doesn’t say anything. She stays with him while his mind runs wild, finally putting words onto what he’s been feeling this whole time without even realizing it. _Fear_. He feels so stupid. Of course he’s afraid, what else could it be? With everything he’s been through, Greenwich, Titan, the battle of Earth, _of course_ he’s terrified. Of course that’s why he cannot bring himself to get back in the suit, because without the suit in the first place he would probably never have been through all this. It makes a lot of sense, how could he be that stupid?

Except it never felt like fear until today. Whenever he’s tried to put the suit on, whenever he even thought of going out again as Spider-man, what he felt never actually _felt_ like fear. There was something, he was feeling something, but it didn’t feel like being scared. And he’s had his share of fears in his life, he has a deep conscience of what it is to be truly afraid. But somehow he never made the connection. He doesn’t know why.

But at least now he knows. He knows, and maybe he can do something about it.

He must have fell asleep because he wakes up with a start, hastily wiping the drool at the corners of his lips, blinking in the shy sun of December. A quick glance towards his alarm clock tells him it’s barely 8:31 in the morning. He lays back on his pillow, noticing he’s still fully dressed except for his shoes, which he thinks May must have taken off for him. He takes a deep breath, eyes lost on the white ceiling, and realizes he actually feels better. Much calmer than the day before, or than any given day since the Blip for that matter.

He ponders for a little while on why, then his growling stomach pushes him to get out of bed so he does. He gets out of his jeans and puts on some sweatpants, makes a beeline for the bathroom to splash some water on his face, then walks into the kitchen where he can hear May is cooking breakfast. “Hey May.” He smiles shyly at her when she looks up from her frying pan, and she smiles back one of her warm, loving grin.

“Hey there sleepy head!” she says with a wink, handing him a plate with toasts and scrambled eggs. They’re both a little burned up but he couldn’t care less. “You slept for twelve hours straight, you must be starving.”

“I am yeah,” he nods with a subtle laugh, and he can hear the quiet sigh of relief she tries to hide by turning on the electric kettle. He hates when she worries for him. “We never ended up eating those hot-dogs last night.”

“Oh _no_ , don’t tell me I owe you guys hot-dogs now.”

“I’ll see about that with Ned later today and we’ll come back to you with an answer,” Peter tells her cheekily, scrunching on his toast to the delight of his grumbling stomach.

“Oh is that how it is?” May mumbles, but there’s a bright smile on her lips as she sits down across from him with her own plate of food. They eat in silence for a little while, and it’s very nice. Then May gets into specifics about what they’re going to be doing today for the charity party, and they never end up talking about the previous night.

They head to Brooklyn – picking up Ned at home first – around noon, and are very busy for the entire afternoon. At some point while they’re getting the tables out of the storage room, Ned tries to ask him what happened the night before, but Peter just dodges the subject, assuring him that he’s fine.

“I just realized something,” he tells him with a shrug, and his best friend doesn’t pry, but Peter can still feel his worried gaze on him every once in a while. It’s making him nervous, because he’s not ready to talk about it, but he still gets why Ned is acting like he is, and the fact that he’s so obviously trying to hide it makes him appreciate his friendship even more. Luckily for him though, MJ arrives at 5 pm, and Ned gets distracted.

They have an amazing time helping out setting the tables and organizing the buffet before everyone arrives. MJ is in a great mood, Peter thinks he’s never seen her in such a happy state before. She’s joking around with Ned and him, making fun of Peter for pretty much anything – which makes him blush a lot, which in return makes her tease him even more. At some point she goes to help in the kitchen while Ned and Peter are taking a small break – “ _We’ve been at it since noon, come on MJ we’re not lazy asses…_ ” – so Ned immediately turns to Peter once she’s out of earshot and nods eagerly:

“See, told you, that’s definitely flirting.”

“That’s just crazy,” Peter weakly protests, cheeks reddening once again.

“No she definitely is, all that teasing and everything, it’s obvious.”

“Shut up man…”

“I’ve honestly never seen her in such a good mood,” Ned adds with a slow, pensive nod, ignoring him completely.

“Yeah I know, me neither,” Peter agrees, a fond smile stretching his lips for a second before he realizes it and wipes it out with a nervous chuckle.

“Waiiiit, maybe that’s not MJ, maybe it’s actually her anti-evil twin.”

“ _Anti-evil twin_?” Peter repeats with a disbelieving laugh. “Dude that doesn’t even mean anything!”

“Un-evil twin? How do you even say that, angel twin?” Ned retorts, apparently thinking hard, which makes Peter burst out laughing.

“When you guys are done talking about girls, could you maybe go and help Maddie with the name tags for the volunteers?” May’s voice interrupts them then, and the two friends scramble away immediately, still laughing like idiots. They do what she told them to do, then Maddie asks them to give their name tag to every volunteer – they’re 15 tonight, which is a lot more than on Christmas night. Ned holds him back and insists on giving him MJ’s, and Peter saves it until it’s the last one. She’s in the kitchens with Genevieve and Curt, and she’s elbows deep in soapy water, apparently washing some dishes from all the cooking they did for the party.

“Hey MJ um, here’s your name tag, where do you want me to –”

“I’m a little busy here, Parker,” she tells him with a glare, shaking her hands covered in bubbles as proof. Peter holds his breath as one soapy droplet lands on her left cheek. Somehow all he can think about now is wiping it away with his thumb. But that would be so, so stupid. He definitely can’t do that.

“Yeah I, I see that I’m –”

“So what are you gonna do about it?” she asks, and he thinks she’s teasing him again, challenging him maybe, but he’s not sure. She’s not looking at him, heaving a particularly large pot to rinse it. Peter watches as she impatiently shakes her head to move her hair out of her face. Oh he’s an idiot.

“I uh –”

“Just leave it in my pocket, dork.”

Peter’s not sure if he’s heard right. He feels his own eyes widening as he stares at her, heart pounding in his chest. She’s wearing her ‘ _vote for women_ ’ t-shirt, and dark jeans. The only pockets he can see now are the ones on the back of her pants. Peter’s brain is gone, he thinks.

“Oh my _god_ , not these pockets you perv, my hoodie’s on that chair near the fridge.”

“Oh.” That makes more sense. Peter scrambles towards the hoodie in question, feeling horrifyingly embarrassed. He hears MJ’s soft chuckle behind him, and it sends ‘mayday’ signals through his entire body. He slips the name tag inside her pocket and leaves without another word, scared of making an even bigger fool out of himself somehow. He wouldn’t think it’s possible, but he knows he probably could. His social incapacity around her knows no limits, apparently.

“I’m such an idiot,” he tells Ned, who’s standing next to the doors. It’s almost time for people to start arriving, they’re on coats duty once again.

“Oh my, _again_?” Ned sighs, and Peter stares at him in shock.

“Dude, aren’t you supposed to be all like, ‘ _Peter no, you’re not stupid come on!_ ’?” he complains, and Ned laughs at that. He hears MJ’s steps behind him a few seconds later, and knows instantly what she’s going to say.

“He wouldn’t be a good friend if he told you that.” She stops next to him with a smirk, and he notices she’s back in her hoodie, her name tag taped on it. He can’t stop himself from blushing once again. Oh he hates himself sometimes. “Thanks for the name tag, dork.”

“You’re welcome,” he mumbles, averting his eyes, pretty sure she’s about to make fun of him again. But she doesn’t. He has no idea why not. She’s just so confusing to him sometimes. Most times. Peter doesn’t get to dwell on it much. People are starting to arrive, and MJ, Ned and him are pretty busy for the next couple of hours. They hang coats, then help out at the buffet. Once the dinner is over and it’s almost time for dessert, they help clean off the tables and bring everything back to the kitchen, then May tells them to just go and have fun.

“You’ll help again once the party is over,” she adds, and the three of them gladly oblige. They gorge themselves with chocolate and all kinds of yummy desserts – paradise, according to Ned, and Peter _has_ to agree. Then they move some tables around and people start dancing. They have so much fun Peter forgets about pretty much everything. Midnight comes by, and he fiercely hugs Ned and May, and awkwardly shakes hands with MJ. And it’s nice.

Somehow though, it kind of goes downhill for him after that. He’s not really sure why, maybe it’s the prospect of a whole new year or something, but he finds himself diving right back in all the things that aren’t what they were before. He keeps dancing with Ned and the other kids – MJ disappeared somewhere, she does that sometimes – but after a while he says he’s tired and sits down on the bleachers. The music is loud and aggressive, though he knows it’s just because he’s feeling a little down because it’s the same as it was ten minutes ago. He tunes some of it out, as he almost always does when he’s in a loud environment. He’s used to it now.

He’s so focused on trying to calm down that he almost doesn’t hear MJ approaching. She sits down next to him, offering him a juice box with a sly smile. They stay quiet for a little while, but she must notice his grim face – she always notices, she’s very observant – because after a little while she asks: “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” he answers with a shrug, “I don’t know.”

She doesn’t say anything else, and when he glances at her, she’s looking over to the dance floor where Ned is still dancing with a herd of kids. He doesn’t think she’s gonna say anything else, but then she does. “So new year uh? 2024… Man, the last six years really just went like…” She punctuates her words with a snap of her fingers, and Peter almost chokes at that. Wow. Had he been in a better mood, he’d probably have nervously laughed at that, but he doesn't have the time bring himself to just do it, maybe point out how dark that is, that she’s already apologizing. “Sorry, too soon?”

“No, I don’t know…” he lets out in a chuckle, shrugging again, “this whole thing it’s just so…”

“Unfair?” she suggests, “Yeah.”

“I just, I wish I could do more.” It’s almost scary how easily words are pouring out of his mouth sometimes, when he’s with MJ. Not when they’re talking about non important stuff, but when they’re talking about things that matters. He has no clear idea or explanation as to why exactly.

“Peter, hey, you’re doing your best, believe me,” MJ tells him, and although he doesn’t dare looking at her, he can hear how serious she is right now. She truly believes what she’s saying. It feels nice, although Peter knows it’s actually not true at all. Not in the slightest. “And I’m pretty sure your best is a lot more than most people anyway.”

He smiles sadly at that. “Thanks, MJ.” It makes his heart flop in his chest, because he can hear how convinced she is, and it’s killing him. He’s not doing his best. His best would be going out as Spider-man again and protecting the neighborhood. That would be him doing his best. That would be him doing what's _right_. It’s his responsibility, and he’s been dodging it for so long, because of what? “I’m just… I’m just so _afraid_ all the time.” He lets out a shaky sigh, hiding his face in his hand to try and keep the emotions at bay. His other hand is clenched so hard it slightly hurts. He tries to focus on that.

But he’s almost completely overwhelmed because here, he’s said it. Until MJ bumps his shoulder with hers, and it brings him back to reality instantly. “Yeah, I feel you buddy.” Her words are light and casual, but he can sense the tension and the understanding behind them, which makes him realize once again that he’s not the only one that needs to deal with _stuff_. Peter lets out a small chuckle despite himself. He can feel her eyes studying the side of his face still. “OK, I’m gonna tell you something now, and if you ever say I did I’ll kill you, alright?”

This takes him out of his apathy and he props his chin on his palm and his elbow on his knew to look at her in surprise. She stares back blankly until he nods his understanding.

“Alright,” she sighs, and he could swear he sees her cheeks reddening just a little. “It’s OK to be afraid, because fear is like a super power. It can make you stronger, and faster, and cleverer.”

He knows he remembers this from somewhere, and it only takes him half a second to point out exactly where he’s heard this before. “Isn’t that like a Doctor Who quote or something?” MJ just stares daggers at him and he chuckles, sitting straight and grabbing his juice box from the floor. Without even thinking he slowly bumps her shoulder with his and raises his juice at her. “So, to embracing our fears then uh?”

“And to doing our best,” MJ adds with a smirk, raising her juice box too, and they drink to it. And her words go round and round in his head for the rest of the night, and he keeps wondering if – and _how_ – it’s possible that she found the exact words he needed to hear at that very moment.

The exact words he’s been needing to hear for a long time now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am positively blown away by the support this fiction is getting!! I mean, almost 100 kudos already, that's insane! Thank you guys so much, it means the world to me, really. We have to work on your commenting though, you know what they say, give a writer comments and they'll give you more words to read, it doesn't rime BUT I assure you it's 100% true.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!!  
> So, something happened with this chapter that was incredible and that never happened to me since I began to write ages ago, but it truly felt like the chapter wrote itself, which is absolutely amazing!!! It was all flowing on the page and it felt super good, so yeah, hope you like this one!

How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones 

(and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)

“Come on, you can do this. Come on, Spider-man.”

This sentence immediately takes him back, and a shiver runs down his spine. Peter distinctly remembers that particular moment in his life. Doesn’t think he could ever forget the crushing weight on his entire body, the dust choking his lungs, the cold water running down his face, the sheer terror coursing through his veins. He’s in a much less dire situation right now, but he thinks this might be even more important than that moment an eternity ago when he’d realized that with or without the suit, he would always be Spider-man.

It kind of feels like the same situation in a way, when he thinks about it – but without the collapsed building weighing on his back obviously. He’s free of his movement right now. He’s not in danger. He’s standing at the top of his building, overseeing the neighborhood, the cold wind of winter curling around him. The sun is slowly setting behind him, the deep oranges and pinks of the sunset coloring the clouds above him. He can see the skyscrapers of Manhattan in the distance. He can hear cars honking five blocks away, the cry of a seagull way up in the clearing sky, two people arguing in the third floor of the building across the street.

Looking down to his mask clutched in his hands, Peter takes another sharp breath. The freezing air fills his lungs in an almost painful way. He’s put his suit on about half an hour ago, web-shooters and everything, except for the mask. _Baby steps_ , May told him. She hugged him fiercely when he came out of his room. He pretended he didn’t see her wipe away a tear from her left cheek. He made sure no one was in the hallway and the staircase, and then he walked up to the roof. He’s been standing on the edge of the building ever since.

Despite the cold, his fingertips feel like they’re burning. The white eyes of his mask are staring back at him and there’s a knot slowly forming in his belly the more he stares back at them. He sniffles a little, pretending it’s because of the wind, blinking the wetness of his eyes away. “Come on, Spider-man,” he mutters once again under his breath. He closes his eyes to get away from these empty white ones that seem to look right into his soul. How can it be so difficult?

“ _It’s OK to be afraid._ ”

MJ’s voice resonates inside his brain and he focuses hard on it, willing the knot in his guts to go away. He can do this. Deep breath. His hands are trembling, but slowly, surely, he loosens his grip on the mask.

“ _Because fear is like a super power.”_

His shoulders are still very tensed, he takes another deep breath, imagining his lungs are balloons he has to inflate as much as possible to lighten the weight on his shoulders.

“ _It can make you stronger,”_

Slow expiration. Turns the mask around, raises it to his face.

“ _faster”_

Closes his eyes. The spandex is cold against his cheeks, his ears, his neck.

“ _cleverer.”_

He doesn’t open his eyes. He doesn’t hear anything beside the pounding of his heart.

“ _To doing our best.”_

And he jumps.

For a split second, nothing happens. Like someone pressed ‘pause’ on his life, he thinks. He feels nothing, hears nothing, sees nothing. He’s lost in a dark void of nothing. He’s been anticipating this very moment for so long that now that he’s there, he doesn’t even realize he’s truly living it.

Then life starts again. His lungs fill with cold air, his heart pounds in his chest, his stomach twists in his belly. He’s falling. He’s _falling_.

The sensation is so overwhelmingly familiar he doesn’t even have to think. His body knows exactly what to do. Muscle memory truly is fascinating. Shoot, grab, swing, release. Again. He slowly opens his eyes, a single tear finds its way out of one of them and rolls onto his cheek, freezing and burning at the same time against his skin. Shoot, grab, swing, release. He feels like his heart is about to explode. He feels like a burning energy is coursing through his veins, he feels powerful, he feels _alive_.

_So alive_.

At first, he doesn’t even realize he’s screaming at the top of his lungs. He swings, faster, higher, and it’s absolutely exhilarating. He propels himself as high as he can, then waits until the last second of his fall to web himself up again. He hears it. People screaming down there in the streets, people recognizing the suit. His heart is still going crazy in his chest. He swings a couple more times, and then he notices it. His lips are stretched into a smile, a smile so wide his cheeks are hurting.

He did it.

He _did it_.

It’s been a very long time since he’s felt this _happy_.

Taking a deep breath, he propels himself on top of a huge billboard, landing on it with a back flip. The sun is entirely gone now, pink and orange slowly fading in the west. He can see the Empire State Building from here. He likes that one. Swinging in Manhattan is always a lot of fun. Tall buildings and everything. This thought makes him almost feverish, for some reason. He truly did it. Deep inside of him he knew it would only take one step. One step to put things in motion. One tiny step, one jump actually, and he’s back. Spider-man is back.

He still has a long way to go to truly be back, he knows, but he’s getting there. _Finally_. He could cry of relief right now, if he thought too much about it. Instead of doing that though, he takes a quick breath and whispers quietly: “Hey Karen.”

“Good evening Peter, welcome back,” the AI instantly replies, and Peter’s eyes tingles because of the familiar voice in his ear.

“Hey, hey, sorry I took so long to get back to you.”

“That’s quite alright Peter,” Karen assures, “if it makes you feel better, it didn’t feel long for me at all.”

“That’s cool, thank you Karen,” Peter smiles behind his mask, “I’m not gonna do much tonight, just swing by Ned’s place I think, but –”

“If you need anything, I’m always right here, Peter,” Karen finishes for him, and a weird surge of affection for her makes its way into his heart. He thanks the AI once again, and it’s with an even bigger smile that he swings towards his best friend’s place. Ned didn’t have to move after the Blip, because his parents weren’t snapped. Mrs Leeds told him losing Ned had been the worst thing her and her husband had been through in their entire life. He could understand that. A little too much. He had barely held back his tears when she’d said that. Sometimes he feels like his empathy is more of a curse than anything.

“Do you want me to call Ned before you arrive?” Karen asks him, bringing him back to a much less depressing present.

“Thanks but no, I wanna surprise him.”

“Noted.”

He’s been to his best friend’s place hundreds of times, it’s with no hesitation that he drops on the fire escape’s fourth floor landing. A quick glance tells him that Ned is in his room. It’s night time now, and he can hear Mr Leeds in the kitchen, probably cooking some dinner, and the TV on in the living-room. He crawls on the wall above Ned’s window, hanging upside down in front of it. Ned’s at his desk, his back to the window so Peter doesn’t know if he’s doing his homework or playing with Lego. Could be both, considering the hour.

Peter bites down a smile. He cannot wait to see his friend’s reaction. Man, he hopes he’s not gonna shriek. If he does, Peter thinks to himself he has to be prepared to swing away so that Mr and Mrs Leeds don’t see him. Bracing himself, he softly knocks on the glass, and watches as Ned’s back straightens instantly. He turns swiftly on his desk chair, and his eyes and mouth widen in shock as he meets Peter’s masked eyes.

Clamping both hands on his own mouth to dampen his loud gasp – Peter still hears it distinctly behind the glass, but he thinks it should not alert Ned’s parents – Ned stands up and staggers to open the window. “Hey bud,” Peter says joyfully, dropping to sit on the window’s edge.

“Oh my god,” Ned retorts breathlessly, eyes even bigger than a second before. “Peter is that you?”

Peter can’t help it and bursts out laughing at that. “Of course it’s me, who else could it be?!”

“Holy cow dude, you did it!” Ned’s smile is as wide as ever, but luckily for Peter he’s still keeping his voice low. “I’m so happy for you!”

“Thanks dude, I’m happy too,” he says simply, “It was about time, wasn’t it?”

“This is so exciting, I can go back to being your guy in the chair!!”

“Yeah I guess,” Peter laughs, “although I think I’m gonna take it easy still, you know.”

“Right right, yeah I totally get it, take your time dude.” Ned’s still smiling, and Peter nods once at him, hoping his best friend can sense how grateful he is for him.

“Alright, I’m gonna head back home now, I’ll see ya tomorrow at school yeah?”

“Yup, bye Pete, say hi to May for me!” Ned agrees, and they do their handshake – not very practical when he’s siting on a window’s edge – then Peter swings away, smiling when he hears his best friend whispering ‘ _awesome_ ’ as he does so. He really meant what he said about going back home, but somehow he finds himself taking another path than the faster one. It’s only after a little while that he realizes why the street he’s on feels familiar.

It’s not so far from where May and him dropped MJ off after the charity parties. This is where MJ lives. Realizing this puts him off somehow, and he almost drops to the ground because he shots and misses the billboard he was aiming at. _Idiot_. Why would he unconsciously go this way, when there’s a much faster way to get home from Ned’s place? Yeah, he doesn’t have to ask himself that question. But it’s stupid. He can’t stop by her place, that would freak her out. She doesn’t know he’s Spider-man. She doesn’t know how much what she told him last night helped. She doesn’t know how much he owes her.

He’s still hesitating though, for some reason. A little part of him – scratch that, a large part of him wants to see her. Ask her how she is, if she had a good time last night, if she’s ready to get back to school tomorrow. Thank her. Oh, but this is so irrational. He just can’t do that. He doesn’t even have her phone number – wow, that’s sad. He could ask Karen to look it up, but no, _no_ that’s just creepy. Him standing here on that billboard just around where MJ lives is kind of creepy, too.

Wow, he really needs to get his shit together, doesn’t he? Shaking his head, Peter scowls himself and just leaves, heading back home, forcing his brain not to think about MJ. When he gets to his building, he gets in by his room, taking off his mask in a swift move. He doesn’t have the time to do anything else that he hears May’s rushed steps, and then she’s swinging the door wide open, barely holding back her gasp as she does.

She stops in her tracks, her sweet eyes fixed on him, and he smiles a shy thing, half shrugging, half nodding to the question he knows is on her mind right now. There’s a beat, and then she’s hugging him with a breathless laugh, and he can feel her slightly shaking against him as he hugs her back. “I’m so proud of you.”

He laughs with another somehow dismissive shrug, although the smile on his lips is saying something different entirely. “Hey, can we order something? I’m starving.” So they end up ordering some Chinese food, and they have a quiet night. At some point, Ned sends him a link to a compilation of tweets from people who spotted him earlier, and it makes his heart do funny things in his chest. He finishes his homework while May’s watching some soapy show on TV. He finds himself thinking about MJ again, and he forces himself not to because that’s just distracting. When he thinks he’s finally managed to stop, May speaks up and ruins all his previous efforts:

“So, did you hear from MJ since last night?”

_Damn it_. “Um, no I don’t, I didn’t.”

May nods, eyes still on the TV screen, but Peter knows she’s about to ask for more, and he’s right. “Did she have anything to do with you putting the suit on again today?”

Peter’s pissed at himself for blushing so much at that. He pretends he’s very busy with his calculus homework, hiding his face in his maths book. The only light he left on is the one from the kitchen – he doesn’t need much light to see, and May’s watching TV – so he’s pretty sure she cannot make out his face if she looks his way. “What? I mean, no I don’t think so.” His mom and dad were scientists, very smart people. His uncle Ben was very smart as well, although in a more practical way Peter thinks, and May is no different. She’s very perceptive. She always knows when he’s not telling the truth. It’s quite inconvenient sometimes.

“Hmmm… because I saw you two talking on the bleachers at some point,” May says in a fake casual manner that has Peter make a face.

“Right, yeah.” There’s a beat, the sound of the TV show filling the living-room like some sort of white noise. “She doesn’t know.” Peter’s not sure why he told his aunt that, and when he says it he realizes maybe it could mean something else too, so he adds: “You know, that I’m Spider-man.”

“Yeah, I figured,” May turns on the couch to face him with a smirk. “There is something else she doesn’t know then?”

“Alright, I’m going to bed now,” Peter deadpans, ignoring the cheeky smile May is giving him and grabbing all his stuff from the kitchen table.

“Love you Pete!” His aunt yells from the couch, just as he’s about to close his room’s door. He grumbles a ‘ _love you_ ’ back, but he can’t help his smile as he dumps his books on his desk. Checking his phone, he sees a missed phone call from Happy, and a new voicemail. He listens to it while stuffing his backpack with the things he’ll need tomorrow for school - including for the first time in forever, after only half a second worth of hesitation, his Spidey suit.

“Peter, hey. Happy Hogan here. We just heard, I mean saw, I mean, yeah, anyway, Pepper, Pepper Potts told me she wanted to see you, and Morgan’s been talking about you a lot these days, so yeah how about I pick you and May up this Saturday and we’ll drive there what do you think? I’ll just, I’ll call May about this, but yeah I just, I wanted to tell you…” There’s a pause, then Happy clears his throat, and Peter can sense his emotion even before he speaks. “Good job kid.”

Tears well up in his eyes instantly, and he almost misses the end of Happy’s message. He has to sit down on his bed for a minute after that, breathing deeply through the tempest of feelings swirling in his mind. Tony’s death has been pretty hard on Happy too. They tried to talk about it a couple of times, but Peter thinks it was as difficult for Happy as it was for him. While Peter tried to distance himself with pretty much anything or anyone that reminded him too much of Tony, Happy made it his priority to always be there for Pepper and Morgan. Peter admires that about him a lot.

Hopefully he can start to do the same soon. He doesn’t know Pepper much, but he’s grown very fond of Morgan over the months. She likes him a lot too. They talk over the phone every now and then. Morgan loves to tell him about all the stories her dad told her about Spider-man. At first it felt like a punch in the gut whenever she talked about those, but it’s been getting easier. Maybe now it wouldn’t be so bad, Peter thinks. She’s always so enthusiastic about everything. He likes that about her. And May is very fond of her, too.

He likes the idea of seeing her and Pepper this weekend. He sends a quick text to Happy – thinking he’s a little too emotional right now to talk with him. Then he changes into his pajamas and goes to bed. He thinks back over everything that happened today, and it leaves him a little breathless to be honest. Today is January 1st, and he already has the impression he’s lived an entire week into this new year. He can barely believe in the early hours of the day he was actually with MJ, dancing and having fun. He thinks back to what she told him, how it helped him out so much without her even knowing it.

It’s the second time today he’s tempted to tell her the truth, but he dismisses the thought instantly, frowning at himself. He cannot do that. His identity _has_ to stay secret. He also swore to himself long ago – after Liz actually – that he would never use Spider-man to get someone to date him. Wow, even now, lying alone in bed in the dark, he can feel his stupid cheeks growing hot. Just because he’s thinking about _dating her_ , it’s really getting ridiculous. He feels like an idiot, and yet thinking about her has him smile broadly, and yeah, he thinks, now he’s just a happy idiot with a crush the size of the moon.

The next morning, he’s somehow both excited and very nervous at the idea of seeing MJ again. He’s under the impression that their friendship leveled up during the break, but he’s not entirely sure what she’s gonna be like now that they’re back at school. Is she going to act like nothing happened? Not that anything _happened_ per se, really. Is she gonna be friendly with Ned and him? He would have had a hard time imagining MJ being _friendly_ before, but she’d been in such a good mood back at the party that now he knows what it’s more or less like, and he isn’t ashamed of admitting – to himself – that he likes it a lot. Even if it means getting relentlessly teased about pretty much anything. He doesn’t mind. He likes seeing her like that, her entire face shining with amusement, the corner of her eyes wrinkled from barely holding back her smiles.

Oh wow, he’s probably just overthinking everything, like he always does. Everything is gonna be fine, he just has to keep calm and…

He spots her from across the crowded hallway, and he feels like he’s walking in a dream when he makes his way towards her. He stops next to her locker, sliding his sweaty hands in his jeans pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels once or twice before realizing he probably looks like an idiot and stopping. “Hey MJ.”

She closes the door of her locker, and the sharp noise makes him wince for some reason. She doesn’t look at him when she answers. “’Sup Parker.”

And she leaves, without a glance back. Peter stays there, abashed, and watches her disappear among the crowd of students. He’s shaken out of his apathy when Flash starts being a dick to him as he pretty much always is, so he walks to class and sits there, mind swirling in confusion. What was _that_? He has no idea what first period is about. When he gets to his mathematics class, which he’s sharing with both Ned and MJ, she ignores him all the same. Ned asks him about it, and Peter just gives him a very confused look to convey how much he has no idea.

They talk about it during lunch, before she arrives. Ned tries to convince him it’s probably nothing, maybe she’s just tired or something, it would make sense, who in their right mind thought it would be okay to start school again on January 2nd really? Peter almost lets himself be convinced, but then she steps into the cafeteria, walks to their table, and sits at the far end of it, as far away from them as possible, and for all he knows his heart might just be broken in half because of it. She dives into her current book, and Ned and him stay silent for the rest of lunch break, which sucks.

She leaves before they do, and for the first time since they got back to school, Peter is very nervous to get to their physics class. He always looked forward to it. Now, he has no idea what to expect, and it’s killing him. He’s about to walk in when he hears her. Her voice. Asking someone if they would consider switching seats. It hurts, he has to admit it. But now he’s more worried than anything, to be honest.

He’s pretty sure everything was good between them when they said goodbye to each other after the New Year's Eve. He was sitting at the back of the car with her, Ned was on the front seat and May was driving. It was around 3 in the morning, everyone was tired. May had stopped the car in front of her building. Peter had waived goodbye to MJ, and she’d made fun of him because he’d been trying to hide a yawn while doing so. He’d liked the amused smirk she’d given him. He’s pretty sure that he gets to see that particular grin only when she’s teasing _him_. He’s never seen her giving it to anyone else, and it makes his heart flutter when he thinks too much about it.

So what happened between then and now for her to ignore him like this, and even try her best not to be near him? Maybe he’s stupid and gullible and everything he thought there was between them was actually in his head, but then again he doesn’t even care. He just wants to know if she’s okay.

He walks in the classroom, and sees her sitting at their usual table, eyes fixed on her opened book. He hesitates half a second, and then walks to his seat, heart pounding. She doesn’t look up when he sets his backpack on the table, nor when he sits and starts taking his stuff out. He waits for a couple of minutes, and then takes a deep breath. “Hi.” She barely acknowledges him with a ‘hmm’ and he frowns, fiddling with his pen. He glances towards her, and she’s tensed, eyes fixed on her page, but he can see she’s not actually reading. He really wishes she could talk to him, but he knows her enough by now to know that she won’t until she decides to. He still needs to ask though. “Are you okay?”

He watches as she bites her lower lip, then closes her book slowly and finally meets his eyes. She looks sad and angry, and he hates it. “I’m fine, Peter,” she tells him, but she blinks and looks away while saying it, and he knows she’s lying. He hates that he can’t do much about it.

“If you need anything I–”

“I know,” she cuts him, meeting his gaze again, and there’s something there, something he might think looks like gratefulness, but he’s not entirely sure. Hopefully she does know. That he’s there for her, if she needs him to be. “Thanks, dork.”

“Anytime,” he smiles, and his heart skips a beat when he sees the corners of her mouth move slightly upwards. She averts her eyes, putting on her most annoyed face, but he can feel that she’s less tensed than a couple of minutes ago. Hopefully whatever that is on her mind will soon be over. And then they can go back to… what exactly, he’s not sure, but he already knows he’s gonna overthink the whole thing. He’s much more confident and decisive when he’s in the Spider-man suit, he thinks. It makes him wonder what an encounter with her would go like as Spider-man.

He almost face-palms at that thought. _Why_ is he thinking about that _again_? That’s a no-go and he knows it, what’s wrong with him?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With Ao3 not counting the hits from guests, something really funny happened yesterday because I got like, 4 new kudos and only like, two more hits, so yeah that made me laugh (doesn't take much I know). Anyway, this just to say that I see and appreciate all of you reading and leaving kudos and comments, thank you for your amazing support everyone!  
> Also, I have a question: *do we think Peter and Liz kissed in Homecoming*?   
> I've seen this BTS video where it looks like they're about to kiss, and I know it was kind of a diversion in the trailer to make the audience not suspect that the main 'love-interest' (she's so much more than that though) would actually be MJ later on, but what do you guys think? I'm more inclined to say they didn't, but I'd like to hear what you guys think and why! For research purposes haha


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! Finally!  
> I'm so sorry this took so long. I kinda experienced a writer's block for the first time in my life, which is not fun. Also, I really needed to focus on fluffy things so I started a new fic (if you're interested in reading shameless fluff written as a therapeutic way to deal with all the crap going on around the world right now, I'd suggest checking it out! xD)
> 
> Warning about this chapter: it gets sad. We're dealing with loss still, and maybe I'm particularly vulnerable right now because I'm dealing with a loss too, but proof reading this made me cry my eyes out, so yeah. If you're in an emotional state right now, please take good care of yourself and I'm sending you all my love ♥

Peter makes another couple of rotations, then offers the cube to Morgan so she can see it. “Here, now that blue one that was there moved all the way there, that’s how you start working on the second layer of the cube.”

“Can I try?” Morgan asks, scooching closer to him on the couch.

“Sure!” He hands her the Rubik’s cube and she takes it in her little hands with a focused frown. Peter watches as she studies it carefully, biting down a smile when she starts solving it differently than what he’d just showed her. He keeps quiet, and when she hands him the cube back with the second layer complete, he smiles broadly at her. “That’s another way to do it I guess, good job. Didn’t you tell me you couldn’t do it?”

“I saw Daddy do it once,” Morgan shrugs, but there’s a proud smile tugging at her lips and it makes Peter chuckles. It shouldn’t surprise him that Tony Stark’s 5 year-old daughter can understand and start solving a Rubik’s cube so quickly, but somehow it still does. He likes the feeling of pride filling him as he watches her lie down on the couch, legs resting on the backrest near his shoulders. “So what are we doing now?”

“Do you want me to show you how to solve the rest of it?” Peter asks, pointing to the Rubik’s cube.

“Maybe later,” Morgan sighs, eyes fixed on the ceiling with a thoughtful expression on her sweet face. “Can you teach me how to walk on the ceiling?”

“I wish I could,” Peter laughs, “But you have to have powers like me to do it.”

“Daddy told me you always sit on the ceiling when you have something on your mind,” Morgan says, peaking at him from under her eyelashes, which reminds him of Pepper somehow.

“Well it’s true.”

“Why do grown-ups talk so much,” she wonders out loud, pointing to the kitchen where Pepper, May and Happy are discussing. “It’s boring, I want to play with May.”

“You know it’s been a while since May saw your mum,” Peter reminds her with a playful nudge on the ribs that has the little girl giggling. “Don’t worry, I’m sure May will play with you later. In the meantime,” he adds, shaping his hands into claws, “you’re stuck with me!” He starts tickling her mercilessly and Morgan bursts in a fit of screeching giggles, warming up Peter’s insides as efficiently as a hot coffee in a winter morning.

They playfully fight for a little while, and then Peter lays down on the couch, Morgan taking advantage of it to snuggle herself between him and the backrest of the couch, legs propped on his belly. “Do you have lots of friends?” she asks him thoughtfully, and Peter can’t help his smile at that. She always finds ways to ask him the most difficult questions, he thinks. He remembers being exactly like that when he was a kid. His uncle Ben always called him off for it, in a warm, loving way.

“I wouldn’t say a lot no,” he tells her after a moment, “but I have great friends.”

“I don’t have any,” Morgan confesses, and Peter nudges her knee with a pout. She laughs a little at that, but Peter can see it’s still a touchy subject for her.

“I know it’s not the same, but I am your friend, and so are May and Happy, I hope you know that?” he says with a sweet smile, and Morgan nods. “Being home-schooled might not be the easiest way to make friends your age, but I’m sure you can do it, Mo. Have you ever asked your mom about meeting up with other kids someday?”

Morgan shrugs and doesn’t say anything for a little while, but Peter knows she’s already making plans in her head to ask Pepper. Somehow he relates a lot with Morgan, and what seemed like a very difficult thing to process a few months ago is now bringing him what he thinks is a lot of joy. He sees so much of Tony in her, and at first it was very hard on him, but now… now he likes it. He likes her sweetness and her intelligence, her thoughtfulness and also, yes, the small fact that Spider-Man is her second favorite super-hero of all time. She was so happy to tell him that she’d seen him on TV when May, Happy and him arrived earlier in the day. It had made him feel proud of himself, even if he’d barely gone out as Spidey during the week.

“What are your friends like?” Morgan asks him, bringing him back to reality.

“Um, well there’s Ned, he’s been my best friend since forever it seems,” he tells her, moving to rest on his side, his head propped on his hand to look at her. “He’s so amazing, you should meet him someday. We play Lego together all the time, and we talk about pretty much everything, it’s awesome. And then…” He hesitates for a minute, feeling his cheeks redden despite himself, which he thinks is quite embarrassing but hopefully Morgan doesn’t notice. “Um, and then there’s MJ, she’s great too.”

“You like her,” Morgan tells him, and Peter frowns at that, faking indignation, but the little girl only stares blankly at him. “What? Your face looks like a tomato.”

“Yeah, I do like her,” he admits, laughing a little. He really should have seen this coming.

“Why don’t you ask her if you can be her boyfriend?” Morgan suggests, and wow Peter really wishes people would stop asking him that all the time. Or maybe people asking him all the time may actually be an indication that he probably should ask himself that question, because of how apparently obvious it is for others. But even just the thought of it is giving him the jitters, so how can he even pull this off? It might be something that he wants, definitely, but it’s scaring him shitless if he’s being honest with himself.

“I don’t know, maybe I’m scared?”

“That’s alright,” Morgan tells him with a sweet smile, “Mommy says it’s okay to be scared sometimes. You just need to find something to help you not be scared anymore, like me when I was scared of the dark but Daddy gave me an Iron Man nightlight to make the dark go away.”

“You’re not afraid of the dark anymore?” Peter asks her, and Morgan shrugs.

“Sometimes I can be, but I have my nightlight to make it go away. You just need to find your nightlight.”

Peter lets out a small laugh at that, wondering how come little girls seem to give him so much food for thoughts lately. First Leila asking him if he got what he wanted for Christmas, and now Morgan and her nightlight? He must admit it, he’s impressed. “That’s a good idea,” he tells her with a smile, and she nods with a proud expression that makes him chuckle. May makes her way into the living-room a couple of minutes later, and Morgan jumps into her arms with a breathless ‘finally’ that makes them both laugh. The little girl immediately grabs May by the hand and takes her upstairs to her bedroom.

“You’re making her very happy you know.”

Peter turns to see that Pepper is standing in the kitchen doorway, eyes set on him with a small smile. “She makes it easy,” he says, scratching the back of his neck with a chuckle. “She’s such a great kid.”

Pepper nods, and Peter can feel her sadness even from where he stands, like a wave lashing at his toes. It hits him in the heart and a lump instantly forms in his throat. It gets worse as she walks to him, but Peter doesn’t move. He thinks he owes it to her. He can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for her to lose him. “Things have been really tough these past few months but…” She takes a sharp breath, looking around the living-room with wary eyes before looking back at him. “I hadn’t seen her smile that much in a while you know.”

“Yeah…” He’s not sure what he has to say to that. All he knows right now is how guilty he feels. He could have been there, for the two of them, but he wasn’t. “I’m sorry I didn’t –”

She lays her hand on his arm with a soft smile before he can continue. “Peter it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I understand.”

It doesn’t make it easier Peter thinks, but he still accepts her reassurance. He can still make it up to them, he realizes. Now that he’s starting to move on. He hears a burst of laughter from upstairs, and his heart clenches in his chest. He knows what Morgan is going through. He was barely older than her when he lost both his parents. He can be there for her he thinks. He wants to be there for her. And he knows May feels the same way.

He’s about to tell Pepper all those things but she speaks before he can. “There’s… something I want to give you.”

“Oh?”

“I know he, I know he would have wanted you to keep it.” She gestures for him to follow her, and they go down the hallway towards where Peter knows is – was – Tony’s garage. The lump in his throat is back, and he almost feels feverish as he follows Pepper down the few steps. He’s not sure he’s ready, he thinks, heart swelling in his chest and eyes starting to well up. He doesn’t really get a chance to ponder anyway, but maybe it’s better like that.

Rip off the band-aid.

“I didn’t really know what to do with it honestly, so I just left it plugged in there. Happy will help you move it home. If you want it, that is.” Pepper’s voice gets to him like in a dream, like she’s talking from behind a very thick glass. Don’t overthink this.

“Right.”

It’s the Iron Spider suit. The nano tech is twirling around in the launch pod. Peter waits for the devastating input of flashbacks at this sight, but strangely it doesn’t come. It doesn’t make it any less difficult though. He feels like he can barely breathe, and all he wants to do is go back upstairs and cuddle on the couch listening to May telling Morgan a story. He can hear her voice from here, quiet and sweet, and he tries to focus on it to avoid everything else.

Pepper is standing beside him, and he can feel her uneasiness without even looking at her. He wonders if she’s realized what’s going on inside his head right now. “If you want to,” she whispers after a minute of dead silence. “If you’re ready. I’m not trying to push anything onto you, Peter.”

This takes him out of his apathy and he glances at her apologetically. Her eyes are shining with tears but she’s still standing tall, and his heart aches for her. “I know I–” he cuts himself, shaking his head. “Thank you Pepper, it means a lot.”

“I’ll tell Happy to pick it up when May and you leave.” She presses her hand on his shoulder for a second, and then she leaves, closing the door behind her. Peter tries not to, but he hears her quietly breathe through a sob, and it almost sends him spiraling. He needs to get out. There’s a door leading directly outside, and that’s where he runs to, breathing deeply in the cold winter air.

“You’re sad.”

Peter looks up with a start and meets Morgan’s inquisitive eyes. He doesn’t even remember walking up to the waterfront and sitting on that bench. He has no idea how long he’s been there. He nods quietly with a poor smile. The little girl stands there next to him for a minute, and then she sits down on the bench, poking him in the knee with her socked foot. “Why?” she asks simply, and Peter’s heart clench in his chest.

“I miss your dad,” he tells her, eyes lost in the distance. Morgan hums in understanding, and for a moment they stay there in silence, and Peter thinks it helps a little.

“I think he’s in the clouds,” she whispers after a while, and Peter turns to her, studying her serious little face. She’s looking at the winter sky, her eyes thoughtful and focused. “You know, I think when people die they go in the clouds, and then they look after us from up there. And when there’s no cloud above us, it’s just that they went on a vacation for a little while, and they always come back.”

“That’s a beautiful thought,” Peter tells her, ignoring the hard lump forming in his throat again. He offers his arms to her and she snuggles against him without hesitating, nudging her head in the crook of his neck.

“Every day I look up the sky and I think ‘Hey daddy’, and I’m sure he can hear me,” Morgan continues, her voice barely higher than a whisper, but Peter can hear it. He hears everything. “You could say hi too, sometimes. I’m sure he misses you too.”

And Peter cannot say anything to that, so he just nods, resting his cheek against the top of her head. A single tear slides down his cheek and loses itself in her hair, and Peter holds her a little tighter against him. And it helps.

It’s a very emotional day, all in all, but that night when Peter lies down in his bed, he thinks he did good in any case. He promised Morgan he would come back more often to see her, and this time it’s not a blank promise. Maybe next time he can invite her here and she can meet Ned. He’s sure these two would hit it off instantly. Who wouldn’t get along with someone as amazing as Ned anyway? This reminds him he has to call him and tell him about the Iron Spider suit. He’s not ready to put it on just yet, but at least he has it now. Tony Stark’s last gift to him.

Ned’s never seen it in person. Peter told him about it once but it was a couple of months ago when he was still hard dealing with his PTSD so Ned hadn’t pressed on the matter. Peter feels ready now to answer all his questions, at least he thinks. Peter can easily imagine his best friend’s delight. Maybe he could ask him to come tomorrow, and they can tackle the subject – and do homework too, a little. Peter’s been having trouble concentrating in class for the past week, and it’s partially due to getting back in the Spider-Man suit, but also to MJ’s distant behavior.

He had hoped that whatever was bothering her would quickly go away, but by Friday she was still acting distant and upset and yes Peter admits it, it hurts. He hasn’t talked about it with May yet, but he already kind of knows what she would say. Leave her to deal with it on her own, because forcing her to open up or constantly asking her what’s wrong would only annoy her more. Peter really wishes he could help, he hates seeing her angry and sad like this, but he’s deeply aware that it’s not his place – being Peter or being Spider-Man. Sometimes people have to deal with things on their own, and don’t need to be saved.

On Sunday Ned comes to spend the day with him – May is off working at the charity’s headquarters – and they have a blast. As Peter had guessed, his best friend is absolutely over the moon when he sees the Iron Spider suit, and he goes on one of his Ned rants where he doesn’t even breathe in between questions, which makes Peter laugh. “How does it work, what is it made of, is there a Karen in there too, do you think I could try it on, could I take a look in its programming one day, is it voice activated, what does it feel like to put it on, wait how do you put it on, did Tony Stark made it for you, how much do you think it costs, do you have a micro chip in your brain to control it I heard that’s what Iron Man had before blah blah blah.”

After that, Ned helps him wrap his mind around their geometry homework because Peter hasn’t been focusing much in that class. When his best friend asks him if he’s heard from MJ Peter just shakes his head, holding back the sad sigh he desperately wants to let out. Ned tries to reassure him, because obviously he can still sense that Peter is upset. “Maybe you could ask May for help,” he tells him when it doesn’t seem that anything he says actually helps, and Peter smiles apologetically. “She always has great advice.”

“Yeah, she does,” Peter nods, scratching his eyebrow with the end of his pencil. “Maybe I will.”

It takes him another three days of distant MJ to ask May what she thinks. On Wednesday, he comes back from school and eats dinner with her. He tells her about everything, how MJ still seems upset about something and how he wishes he could help her. Just like he thought she would, May tells him to just give her time, be patient, and maybe she’ll end up telling him about it, or maybe she won’t.

“And that’s okay Pete,” May adds, twirling spaghetti with her fork, “sometimes we need to deal with things alone, and it’s not because we don’t trust the other person, it’s just that it’s something we have to do by ourselves.”

So that’s what Peter keeps doing. He smiles at her from across the hallway in the morning, he glances at her every now and then while she reads her book at the far end of their table during lunch, and he shares his results with her in physics when she asks. It hurts him to see her so distant and sad and angry, but he’s pretty sure May’s right. He told MJ she could count on him, now it’s her choice to go to him or not. It’s hard, to be passive like this when all he wants to do is to help her, but he knows he can’t force anything on her. So he sucks it up. Hopefully it won’t last.

He misses her a lot.

The same night he talked to May, Peter finds himself swinging not too far from where MJ lives, but he forces himself to quickly move on. He actually has a great time during this particular patrol. He helps out an old man with his groceries, a couple of kids whose bikes broke down, and a pregnant lady who had accidentally dropped her keys down the drain.

He’s taking a quick break on top of a fire escape when he hears a woman crying out a desperate ‘no’. He looks up from his half eaten hot dog and sees a bus coming around the block and a woman carrying grocery bags and pushing a stroller. Seeing the bus stop she’s trying to reach in time, he puts down his mask, jumps off of the fire escape and lands next to it, signaling the bus to stop and holding it for the mother. As he waits, the bus driver tells him he’s glad to see him, and a couple of kids ask him to do a back flip – he happily obliges, and they all clap, and really Peter doesn’t think he could be happier than right now. The lady thanks him breathlessly, he helps her with her stroller and fist-bumps the very impressed two-year old in it, and then they’re all waving goodbye and the bus goes away, leaving Peter with a strong sense of achievement he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

It’s around 9 when he thinks he should start to head home – he’ll patrol longer during the weekend, it’s getting quite cold really and there’s less and less people out anyway. He spots a homeless man outside a supermarket so he buys him a hot dog and tells him about his aunt’s charity. There’s tears in the man’s eyes as he makes him promise to stop by when he can, and Peter tries to swallow down the lump in his throat but fails.

Then the world almost comes to a stop and suddenly Peter acts on instinct. He hears a cry behind him, hears the sound of loud steps and rushed breathing, and right as a quick shadow runs in his back, he takes a step back and extends his leg behind him. The thief stumbles on him but Peter webs him in the back right as he’s about to fall, linking the web to a lamppost and chastising in a stern voice: “Hey there buddy, got something for me?”

The masked man tries to punch him but Peter dodges easily, webbing him to the lamppost and grabbing the cellphone in his hand. The victim comes to a stop next to him, out of breath, and Peter tosses him his phone, but just as he’s about to talk again – to deliver another great punchline, he loves doing that and absolutely missed it these last few months – he sees her.

She’s frozen on the doorstep of the supermarket, hands gripping the straps of her backpack. Her brown eyes are fixed on him, half her face hidden behind her hair. MJ. Peter had wondered what it would be like to meet her as Spider-Man, now he has his answer. His brain is completely gone, and all he can think right now is something alongside the line of ‘MAYDAY’.

He takes a step back, jumps and lands on the top of the lamppost, mouth exceptionally dry. “Don’t take other people’s stuff,” he tells the thief in a deeper voice than usual. MJ hasn’t moved from where she’s standing, but he can still feel her eyes set on him and his stomach churns in panic. “Alright, I’ll leave you guys to it, bye!”

And he leaves, swinging as fast as he can, mind racing. He asks Karen to call Ned, and when his best friend picks up he doesn’t even wait for him to say ‘hi’ to start rambling about what just happened. “Ned! Oh my God Ned I just saw MJ! I’m, I’m, oh my God what if she saw me?! I mean she saw me but what if she recognized it’s me? Holy crap Ned I’m so screwed!”

“Whoa whoa Peter slow down, what’s going on what are you talking about?” Ned’s voice in his ear roots him back to reality and he lands on a rooftop, heart pounding and almost out of breath, which is insane because it never happens to him since the bite.

“I was patrolling,” he says, taking a shaky breath, “and I ran into MJ. She saw me, well, she saw Spider-Man and I… I don’t know I panicked, what if she recognized me?”

“Peter why would she recognize you? You had your mask on, plus it’s not the first time she sees Spider-Man now isn’t it?”

“Yeah I guess you’re right, she did see me back in DC…”

“Don’t worry dude, there’s no way she can figure it out,” Ned assures him, and Peter takes another deep breath to try and calm down his pounding heart. “I know she’s smart and observant and everything but really I think you’re good. Nobody’s onto you Pete, you’re safe.”

Ned’s last words finally do the trick and Peter sits down on the rooftop with a heavy sigh. He has no idea why he freaked out so bad. He’s so overwhelmed still that his hands are trembling. He looks around him to make sure no one’s around, and then he moves his mask up to take a deep breath of cold winter air. It does a great job to help him refocus. “Thanks Ned, I’m sorry I freaked out on you like that I just… I don’t know really.” He lets out a small embarrassed laugh, shaking his head.

“That’s alright dude, don’t worry,” Ned says, and Peter can hear his smile in his voice. “That’s what I’m here for, guy in the chair!”

“Wow, I had no idea you had Therapeutic council on your job description,” Peter jokes, and Ned’s laugh is the last thing he needed to finally get out of his panicked state. He lies down on the cold rooftop, eyes turned to the night sky, and lets out a relieved sigh. “Oh man, I’m exhausted.”

“I never heard you freak out like that before,” Ned admits after a minute of silence, “you sure you’re good? Do you wanna swing by or something?”

Peter considers it for a moment, mapping in his mind the way to Ned’s apartment, and then making a face at the thought of swinging back home afterwards. “Nah thanks, I’m good I think. I’m not too far from home anyway. I’m just gonna lie down for a little while and then head back, but thanks man, you’re the best.”

“Text me when you get home?”

“Yeah sure.”

“Alright, bye then, stay safe!”

“Bye Ned, and thanks again.”

Karen disconnects the call and Peter just stay there for a minute, closing his eyes and focusing on all the sounds around him. The not so distant noise of traffic from Queens boulevard, the kettle hissing somewhere in the building he’s on, the plane above him getting ready to land in JFK, the two pigeons arguing on the rooftop of the building across the street. His heart is beating slowly now, and when he opens his eyes he watches for a moment the silvery clouds moving above him. It must be quite windy up there, because they’re moving and changing really fast, almost messing with his inner ear and making him a little dizzy.

“Hey Mr Stark.”

The words come out of his mouth without him thinking them, barely louder than a whisper, and the familiar burning sensation behind his eyes overcomes him. He doesn’t fight it. He doesn’t say anything else. He’s not sure how long he stays like that, but after a while he stands up and just heads home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. I don't know when next chapter will be updated. Hopefully you guys will bear with me in the meantime ♥
> 
> For the little story, Morgan's words about the clouds are my own words as I remember them from when I lost my grandpa when I was six. Even now I still like to believe this little story I made up almost twenty years ago, it helps

**Author's Note:**

> Come and be bored with me on Tumblr, @eowima :D


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